Array of Topics

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

4 different types of lecturer/teacher in schools and universities...

Our brain is what seperates our species from other animals, unless you were bought up by wolves and taught their wolfy ways. However since most of us don't live in the Jungle Book, it's likely at some point you went to school and were taught the ways of a sophisticated sort by another human, imparting knowledge to our knowledge hungry brains to be able to function appropriately in this world. However although they get paid an honest wage and get more weekly holidays than a club rep, some of them still manage to pick up traits that mould their personalities into the following four different types of lecturer/teacher in schools and universities, which is neither good nor bad, it's just the way they are...
No, we don't need you anymore.
1. The Flamboyant
The classroom can be a dull place to be, with people's work pinned up like trophies on every wall and uncomfortable plastic chairs cradling your behind, it's not somewhere you want to be for very long. Anything to make the time go faster is welcome, the clock barely moves everytime a glance is taken at it. But luckily, this type of teacher can actually light up a classroom and make it, and run that clock down 'til the bell. No, they aren't Time Lord, just a man or woman, however they'll keep your mind and eyes occupied with their theatrical nature.
Flailing their arms and making physical gestures with their hands, The Flamboyant will have you staring at the flacid movement they incorporate within the teaching plan that has been set for them to try and add a bit of sass to the experience. With a perpetual smile and fast paced talking, the time will pass almost instantaneously, although half the time you won't remember what's been said as the off Topic comments or personal stories that he/she tells will be the only thing in your head. If you want to learn, this probably isn't the type for you, but you'll love them nevertheless.
Psychographics: Probably teaches the arts or humanities of some kind, but will always be dramatic and camp what ever subject they teach. A very sociable and lovable character with a passion for conversation, this person refuses to be an adult and will continue to act on his childish nature for a long time to come.
You'd get more enthusiasm from this guy.
2. The Mid-Life Crisis
I can imagine the world of teacher to be pretty darn stressful, with the pressures of marking coursework and preparing repetitive lessons, it's not exactly hard to see why some teachers fall into this category of The Mid-Life Crisis. Balding, hopeless in love and barely a social life outside the school is only three things that may trigger their enthusiasm for teaching to be blunted. Bringing problems to work is only going to exacerbate the miserable feeling and will make the students either sympathise, or seize the opportunity. 
Pricks in every classroom will use their saddened state to wreak havoc on other pupils and take advantage to trash the tables and chairs, with out being stopped. To be honest, if a teacher is this depressed, they shouldn't even be there. The next time a teacher just walks in and slumps on his chair with head in hands, simply get up, and walk out. There is no point of either of you being there if the  teacher can't physically teach. They'll have to learn that calling in sick to work is the easiest way to amend their clinical state and give us students the time off we deserve... ;)

Psychographics: Probably mid-40's and going through some serious trauma in their personal life, The Mid-Life Crisis is pretty self explanitory really.
3. The Bore
The most traditional and tedious of all types of teacher, The Bore goes to extreme lengths to make sure learning turns you suicidal. The humourless slow speech and old fashioned ways of teaching create a stale atmosphere in the classroom that will help you drift off into a day-dreaming sleep after staring into space for the past half an hour. Being abruptly awoken by a loud chant of your name from their bellowing, boring voice, you'll realise that it wasn't a nightmare; this shit is real.
"Suddenly I don't look so bad"
The piercing eyes and constant stare towards the class will make you sit in silence and immobilise all hope of learning anything. How they actually get employed is beyond me, it's actually like they have never had any fun in their whole life, and don't plan to start...
Psychographics: Mostly male, they take teaching VERY seriously. Alone most of the time, they wander this Earth moaning and whining about every detail that upsets them...which is EVERYTHING. He most probably has a fish for a pet, and stares at it for hours as a part of his daily routine, which he sticks to religiously. Ugh, they're both as pointless as each other (EARLIER POST)...
4. The Substitute
Now I must admit, this is my personal favourite type of teacher, I'm not normally bias but this is an exception right here, because The Substitute is by far the best teacher a student could want. They're basically a stand-in that doesn't know much or anything about the subject they're teaching, and frankly, they just want to go home. Think of it as a vacation from learning but you still have the attendance mark put in. The Substitute rarely gives a shit about what he's saying or doing, they just go with the flow of the class and joins in with conversation on occassion. It's like having another mate around.
I have love for this type of teacher. I am actually impressed of how they convince the school that they are a suitable candidate to step in for the regular teacher. Now that's a job interview I'd like to see, the qualifications for the job must be an admittance slip to a mental hospital and a birth certificate, it has to be.
Psychographics: Barely cares about what they're faced with,as long as they get the pay check and are able to go home. Legends...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

3 things you should never do at a festival...

Hello! I've been away for awhile, mainly because my computer decided to pack up, right in the middle of an assignment deadline too, which was courteous of it. But I'm back! More fuelled then ever to bitch about Topics. ;)

Festival season is upon us, with massive stretches of stage and musicians, the ground rumbles with the sound of jumping feet and bass guitars. I myself plan to go Reading festival, and I'm going to get so drunk, I won't remember anything that happens. Money well spent. However although your freedom to do absoloutely anything at these places is frankly AMAZING, there are some things that staying clear of will not only enhance your enjoyment, but could save your life. For the most part, anyway. So I give you the three things you should never do at a festival, no matter how tempting it may seem...

1. Use the showers
Aaah yes, there's nothing like a long, hot, steamy shower to start your day, the feeling as the hot water beats upon your skin is bliss. It wakes you up, soothes your aches, and if you're at a festival, will make you wish you were dry as the Sahara desert. The showers at a festival are fucking disgusting. Limescale clogs up the pipes, the water has tinge of brown to it's colouring and the smell coming up from drain is enough to make a pig gag. It must be more sanitary to dive in a mud pit where a mosh has taken place earlier in the day, rolling around in that filth would be considerably more hygenic than letting that water touch skin.
"Cleanliness, is next to godliness"
People will argue the fact that the showers are dirty, as they are probably the ones who can be bothered to trek miles away from their camps to use the filthy things, and don't want to admit they were wrong. Baby wipes and dry shampoo are the way foward here, they will get you clean quickly and are easier to get to since they're actually in your tent. Besides, isn't the point of being at a festival to get dirty and a valiant excuse to not wash anyway? Clean people are just not gaining the full experience...

2. Arrive at a stage late
Musicians barely start on time which ever you gig you go to, but at festivals, it's tradition for the band to start a little late to keep the anticipation of the crowd growing. You may think of this point to be an excuse of relaxing and arriving a little late to your favourite band's perfoming area, expecting everyone else to be as lazy as you. Don't be that guy.
2 hours before Foo Fighters take to the stage...
Thousands of people attend festivals, therefore the crowd's capacity will reach it's max within the first hour before the band even comes on, you'll be at the back of the crowd trying to leap on peoples shoulders just to get a glimpse of your idols. Pushing through dense crowds of people to get to the front isn't on the agenda either, as you have to be stupidly strong or ridiculously famous for people to let you past and chances are, you're neither. You'll most likely just end up staring at the big screen and let's face it, you could have done that at home.

3. Get naked
Now this is a provocative one, but necessary none the least, as a tendency to get drunk at festivals is a tradition. I know, I'm going to do it myself. But one thing I will restrain from doing, is shedding my clothes no matter how intoxicated my fragile brain may be. The garments lost at festivals is staggering, t-shirts, trousers, sunglasses (ALWAYS the sunglasses) and underwear are all stripped of by one's self in the formidable heat of the summer and sweat boxes of crowds, in an attempt to cool down whilst you dance.

Firstly, that doesn't make sense. They're moving anyway, making blood pump around the body and their pores to open so they naturally sweat. Do you really think removing a tiny bit of cloth will help cool down? These people are not your friends. Secondly, the exception of totally sweaty people is not an exception at all, if your t-shirt sticks to you whilst you sweat, don't wear one in the first place! A private strip tease isn't in order for us to see, we don't want to view your eternal struggle to pull the soaking shirt over your head and then fling the excess drips of sweat at our faces. Others will think it's raining. And lastly, the clothes will be lost, why spend tons of money on brands such DrySuper and LaurenRalph when it's just going to end up getting lost and used by a hobo as a pillow.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

5 video games that instantly make you cool...

Now personally, I don't play video games. I don't even own a console that isn't at least ten years old, all these sequels of game platforms can suck out, my N64 will always be top of the pile (I LOVE YOU MARIO). However out of all the games I have played round other people's houses and at ComicCon etc, give the basis of what it means to be 'cool' in today's society.Whether you have an awesome job, a lovable personality or look cooler than a snowman with a cap on backwards, all these games either meet aspirations in one's own mind or in other people's eyes. So, without further ado, I give you 5 video games that instantly make you cool, even if in your own life you're nothing but a tragic loser...
Living proof that anyone can be famous
1. Guitar Hero
Musicians are a collection of the coolest breed of human known to man, their ability to play an instrument and make us sit there and do nothing but listen is outstanding. Prettiness doesn't even come into play if you're musically talented, just ask Seasick Steve. What a sight. It might also be the reason why almost all average shmos dream of being on stage performing to a massive crowd jumping at your jaunty tunes; the reason Guitar Hero is on this list.

This game let's you be that rockstar without even leaving your room, it acquires virtually no effort than just to sit on your sofa and press some colour coded buttons when they appear on screen. Granted, some people around the world are gifted at this video game, there are thousands of Youtube clips that enable them to show of their button and strumming skills, and they're worthy skills indeed, but nothing compared to the real thing. You aren't really creating music, just playing along with it as another artist intended, but in that sense it's why you become cool. Others and yourself will be able to sing along with the tunes blearing out of your tv set and the satisfaction that it is you who is providing this merriment makes you instantly popular. Even if you are playing on easy difficulty...

2. Left For Dead
Zombies are nothing more than cheap film and video game fodder that production companies use as enemies for unlikely protagonists to easily kill and become heroes. Let's face it, if we're talking about Romero's species of zombie, they are slow, mindless and easy to run away from. They're a worse version of human beings. 

However after 28 Days Later, that all changed. They can now run. Think. Punch and kick, all in all, a much more terrifying opponent. I'm scared already, and Left For Dead played on this new zombie emergent including them in a video game where the player IS one of the survivors. Genius.
This game gives the player a chance to be in a zombie apocalypse where the zombies are actually a threat. They feel inclined to save their team members, grow their leadership skills and battle with bravery to conquer fears. Virtually, of course. You put yourself inthe middle of a horrific experience and become the hero of the day. Now that is cool. Going around decapitating the evil horde with a frying pan is going to make you look awesome and chances are you'll probaby get the girl, and save the human race from extinction. Phwoar...

3. World of Warcraft
I know what you're thinking, how can this game make anyone look cool. You're paying monthly to live a seperate life as a gnome or some sort of fantasy creature that is able to cast spells and fight dragons. But trust me, it does. Not to regular people who don't cyber shop and actually have physical contact with other humans, but to the other millions of WoWsies that play online you're going to look ice cold.

If you're a level 80 on this game, you will be loved by all the relm and dramatically better than level 10 n00bs (I can't believe I just used the word n00bs. Apologies.) who have just started the game. Think of it as a democracy run by class system, the better you're doing in society's eyes, the better life you'll have. Questing and slaying monsters will have girls around the world begging for men to enter a forum with them, or share a cheeky video chat on Skype, either way, this game will make you popular with other players and may even find you love with the opposite sex, or the same sex, depending what you're in too...

"I now pronounce you, Goblin and Goblin. You may kiss the Goblin".
 4. Spyro
Many 1-player platform games hold the same techniques and tendencies Spyro does, but this game makes you cool for a different reason... you're a skateboarding purple dragon.
That is all.

 5. Call Of Duty
Guns and violence are a concoction of ingredients that create a video game with popularity and an oppurtunity to shoot things without the consequences, such as death. War is never pretty to share nor watch, let alone be involved in however COD, as it's ofishly abbreviated , has the gamers hooked by the millions around the globe.
Respawning after death means no one will win this war.
Anyone remotely considered cool or gnarly to a surfer dude plays the latest Call Of Duty and is good at it. With awards for headshots and killstreaks, this game brings war to life and turns your living room into a battlefield as you emerge yourself within the life of soldier, and you're not alone. Literally. That's what makes this game cool, the fact that you aren't the only one playing it. You feel comforted to know that you aren't the only person out there not feeling bad or being discriminated for shooting a foreigner in the face. Unless you have a headset, in which case, prepare for abuse...