4 secretly horrific things Pokemon promoted...

I'd rather Pokemon than this thanks, Japan

Childhood moulds us into the adults that we eventually become, depending on which people you meet and how well you were influenced by your parents to remain socially acceptable through teenage years. However, if you were born in the eighties or nineties, that old-fashioned method of bringing up children was now obselete, as parking a child infront of the television was the new hip and rad way to teach the minor the proper way to act. Through the medium of cartoons and kids' shows, television attempted to do just that linking morals and life messages to the child's feeble intellect. This gave parents the time to do parent things whilst you were distracted by the glowy flash box. The biggest craze within these programmes, was Pokemon, a Japanese master piece that covered every market available to nerds globally with extraodinary success. These little pocket monsters connected with every child, whether it was the action of the battles, unusual sights of the creatures or the simple bright colours usually found in anime. But revisiting some old episodes, I noticed some recurring themes I got from the second viewings that only an adult would be able to see. Therefore  I give you four secretly horrific things Pokemon promoted, because as a child we couldn't give a shit about propaganda...
 

1. Animal Captivity
The idea of a Pokemon trainer's quest is to catch as many of these Japanese named creatures as possible and use them in battles to fight other Pokemon, until one faints. Hmm. On the surface that doesn't seem legit, however the cartoon dresses up the trainer/Pokemon relationship as a friendship, even if the trainer has only just caught the Pokemon and not established any time in hanging around with it. It just becomes his/her property automatically, they just seem to click. Let's go back to when the trainer first catches it then, the trainer uses its own companion to beat the wild creature to a pulp, until he can claim it as his/her's own and sentence it to life imprisonment within a tiny red and white sphere. Um. This doesn't add up.

Surely the Pokemon would absolutely hate the trainer for capturing it from the wild and making it his own? If a guy with a cap casually strolled up to me, clobbered me 'til I was bruised and beaten like a thrown about peach, then dragged me to his house and kept in me a sphere with no air holes; I wouldn't grow to love him. There is only one explanation I can think of for this atrocity...all Pokemon trainers are animal captivists. They lock up wild animals for sport and watch them get their arses handed to them by other animals to make financial profit from gym members and audiences during tournaments. I can't see bear baiting or cock fighting (ha, cock) being any different!?

"Why?"

 So I guess there's only one question everyone wants answered; what happens inside a Poke ball? Well, I have a pretty good theory...it's a prison cell. Like a little personal zoo, with cages that are portable. Of course the Pokemon have to love their warden, otherwise they'd starve to death as the trainer feeds them, or are never used in battle, let alone being let allowed outside of the Poke ball to wander about freely. They'd remain in the constraints of the Poke ball for all eternity. Just to think, I used to play Pokemon and be one of these knob-heads. Coincidentally, that's the name I gave to my rival... "KNOBHEAD WANTS TO BATTLE". Made me giggle every time...
 

2. Atheism
I love the irony of this point, since Pokemon is fictional, however the programme was strictly Darwinian in it's theories. It stuck by the scientific route of creationism and left religious views aside completely, which in a way makes a better programme, otherwise the answer to every question would be "God did it", like magic can be used to explain everything in Harry Potter. 

A bit of Radcliffe, for the ladies.

 Evolution is rubbed in the face of the religious audience, as throughout the cartoons the Pokemon evolved into bigger, tougher and frankly better creatures. I wonder if Christian families knew that they were accidentally teaching their children the Theory of Evolution. Seriously, Ash might as well wondered onto the screen, sat down and read the Origin of Species page by page.
 

3. Invincibility
Is this one such a bad thing? I mean a collection of cartoons promoted this, from Superman to Tom and Jerry. But the answer is yes, as the amount of claims Pokemon intices children to go along with, can be daunting. Mostly thanks to Team Rocket and their antics. For example, setting people on fire thanks to a jet of flames, won't just give you burnt-black face or disgruntled look, it'll burn you and probably melt your face off.

Can you imagine a child seeing a bonfire and jumping in it because they think that all they'll gain out of it is a powdered soot smudged across their face? Or, a more realistic one, a child sticking their finger in a socket because they're expecting their hair to stick up and a yellow glow to surround them whilst they vibrate slightly. But none of this matters if you get hurt, 'cause you can just pop down the local shop, and buy a potion that sprays onto you to make you better. The magic of science. Maybe I'm being slightly emphatic about this, but its basic general knowledge a child should know that these things will probably kill you. Depends how easily influenced the child is I guess...

Well, this is bullshit.

4. Leaving home young
The ever pubecent Ash travels across region upon region of the Pokemon world, meeting new friends and having adventures. Let's face it, he's having a whale of a time, like a pig in shit. Just to think, all of this adventure started when he was just ten years old, he got a Pikachu for a present, and off he went into the big wide world. Wait. He was ten? At that age my home was my world, the loft seemed to be a new adventure for me and Ash is leaving home and making friends with people like Brock.   

The creators say when they first met, Brock was seventeen. Can you imagine a ten and an obviously horny seventeen year old hanging out together alone? One year later and the police would be onto Brock. Besides if this is promoting leaving home at an early age, kids all over the globe must have been influenced to have some independence and fly from the nest, attracting all kinds of people and pedophiles to them. No wonder we have a rise of homeless children in the UK when things like this were being shown to us as a child and being portrayed as fun. In some cases, that's all it takes if a child's domestic life is abusive or traumatic.

And you know what, all these points I've just made, mean nothing. Pokemon was awesome, and still is. Infact I might break out my Game boy and enjoy some animal-imprisoning, homeless atheism right now. I'm gonna choose the Squirtle and fuck Brock's Onix up...

Let's do this...

4 different types of lecturer/teacher in schools and universities...

Our brain is what seperates our species from other animals, unless you were bought up by wolves and taught their wolfy ways. However since most of us don't live in the Jungle Book, it's likely at some point you went to school and were taught the ways of a sophisticated sort by another human, imparting knowledge to our knowledge hungry brains to be able to function appropriately in this world. However although they get paid an honest wage and get more weekly holidays than a club rep, some of them still manage to pick up traits that mould their personalities into the following four different types of lecturer/teacher in schools and universities, which is neither good nor bad, it's just the way they are...
 

No, we don't need you anymore.

1. The Flamboyant
The classroom can be a dull place to be, with people's work pinned up like trophies on every wall and uncomfortable plastic chairs cradling your behind, it's not somewhere you want to be for very long. Anything to make the time go faster is welcome, the clock barely moves everytime a glance is taken at it. But luckily, this type of teacher can actually light up a classroom and make it seem...fun, and run that clock down 'til the bell. No, they aren't Time Lord, just a man or woman, however they'll keep your mind and eyes occupied with their theatrical nature.
 

Flailing their arms and making physical gestures with their hands, The Flamboyant will have you staring at the flacid movement they incorporate within the teaching plan that has been set for them to try and add a bit of sass to the experience. With a perpetual smile and fast paced talking, the time will pass almost instantaneously, although half the time you won't remember what's been said as the off Topic comments or personal stories that he/she tells will be the only thing in your head. If you want to learn, this probably isn't the type for you, but you'll love them nevertheless.
 

Psychographics: Probably teaches the arts or humanities of some kind, but will always be dramatic and camp what ever subject they teach. A very sociable and lovable character with a passion for conversation, this person refuses to be an adult and will continue to act on his childish nature for a long time to come.
 

You'd get more enthusiasm from this guy.

2. The Mid-Life Crisis
I can imagine the world of teacher to be pretty darn stressful, with the pressures of marking coursework and preparing repetitive lessons, it's not exactly hard to see why some teachers fall into this category of The Mid-Life Crisis. Balding, hopeless in love and barely a social life outside the school is only three things that may trigger their enthusiasm for teaching to be blunted. Bringing problems to work is only going to exacerbate the miserable feeling and will make the students either sympathise, or seize the opportunity. 

Pricks in every classroom will use their saddened state to wreak havoc on other pupils and take advantage to trash the tables and chairs, with out being stopped. To be honest, if a teacher is this depressed, they shouldn't even be there. The next time a teacher just walks in and slumps on his chair with head in hands, simply get up, and walk out. There is no point of either of you being there if the  teacher can't physically teach. They'll have to learn that calling in sick to work is the easiest way to amend their clinical state and give us students the time off we deserve... ;)

Psychographics: Probably mid-40's and going through some serious trauma in their personal life, The Mid-Life Crisis is pretty self explanitory really.
 

3. The Bore
The most traditional and tedious of all types of teacher, The Bore goes to extreme lengths to make sure learning turns you suicidal. The humourless slow speech and old fashioned ways of teaching create a stale atmosphere in the classroom that will help you drift off into a day-dreaming sleep after staring into space for the past half an hour. Being abruptly awoken by a loud chant of your name from their bellowing, boring voice, you'll realise that it wasn't a nightmare; this shit is real.

"Suddenly I don't look so bad"

The piercing eyes and constant stare towards the class will make you sit in silence and immobilise all hope of learning anything. How they actually get employed is beyond me, it's actually like they have never had any fun in their whole life, and don't plan to start...
 

Psychographics: Mostly male, they take teaching VERY seriously. Alone most of the time, they wander this Earth moaning and whining about every detail that upsets them...which is EVERYTHING. He most probably has a fish for a pet, and stares at it for hours as a part of his daily routine, which he sticks to religiously. Ugh, they're both as pointless as each other (EARLIER POST)...
 

4. The Substitute
Now I must admit, this is my personal favourite type of teacher, I'm not normally bias but this is an exception right here, because The Substitute is by far the best teacher a student could want. They're basically a stand-in that doesn't know much or anything about the subject they're teaching, and frankly, they just want to go home. Think of it as a vacation from learning but you still have the attendance mark put in. The Substitute rarely gives a shit about what he's saying or doing, they just go with the flow of the class and joins in with conversation on occassion. It's like having another mate around.
 

I have love for this type of teacher. I am actually impressed of how they convince the school that they are a suitable candidate to step in for the regular teacher. Now that's a job interview I'd like to see, the qualifications for the job must be an admittance slip to a mental hospital and a birth certificate, it has to be.
 

Psychographics: Barely cares about what they're faced with,as long as they get the pay check and are able to go home. Legends...

3 things you should never do at a festival...

'SUP.

Hello! I've been away for awhile, mainly because my computer decided to pack up, right in the middle of an assignment deadline too, which was courteous of it. But I'm back! More fuelled then ever to bitch about Topics. ;)

Festival season is upon us, with massive stretches of stage and musicians, the ground rumbles with the sound of jumping feet and bass guitars. I myself plan to go Reading festival, and I'm going to get so drunk, I won't remember anything that happens. Money well spent. However although your freedom to do absoloutely anything at these places is frankly AMAZING, there are some things that staying clear of will not only enhance your enjoyment, but could save your life. For the most part, anyway. So I give you the three things you should never do at a festival, no matter how tempting it may seem...

1. Use the showers
Aaah yes, there's nothing like a long, hot, steamy shower to start your day, the feeling as the hot water beats upon your skin is bliss. It wakes you up, soothes your aches, and if you're at a festival, will make you wish you were dry as the Sahara desert. The showers at a festival are fucking disgusting. Limescale clogs up the pipes, the water has tinge of brown to it's colouring and the smell coming up from drain is enough to make a pig gag. It must be more sanitary to dive in a mud pit where a mosh has taken place earlier in the day, rolling around in that filth would be considerably more hygenic than letting that water touch skin.

"Cleanliness, is next to godliness"

People will argue the fact that the showers are dirty, as they are probably the ones who can be bothered to trek miles away from their camps to use the filthy things, and don't want to admit they were wrong. Baby wipes and dry shampoo are the way foward here, they will get you clean quickly and are easier to get to since they're actually in your tent. Besides, isn't the point of being at a festival to get dirty and a valiant excuse to not wash anyway? Clean people are just not gaining the full experience...

2. Arrive at a stage late
Musicians barely start on time which ever you gig you go to, but at festivals, it's tradition for the band to start a little late to keep the anticipation of the crowd growing. You may think of this point to be an excuse of relaxing and arriving a little late to your favourite band's perfoming area, expecting everyone else to be as lazy as you. Don't be that guy.

2 hours before Foo Fighters take to the stage...

Thousands of people attend festivals, therefore the crowd's capacity will reach it's max within the first hour before the band even comes on, you'll be at the back of the crowd trying to leap on peoples shoulders just to get a glimpse of your idols. Pushing through dense crowds of people to get to the front isn't on the agenda either, as you have to be stupidly strong or ridiculously famous for people to let you past and chances are, you're neither. You'll most likely just end up staring at the big screen and let's face it, you could have done that at home.

3. Get naked
Now this is a provocative one, but necessary none the least, as a tendency to get drunk at festivals is a tradition. I know, I'm going to do it myself. But one thing I will restrain from doing, is shedding my clothes no matter how intoxicated my fragile brain may be. The garments lost at festivals is staggering, t-shirts, trousers, sunglasses (ALWAYS the sunglasses) and underwear are all stripped of by one's self in the formidable heat of the summer and sweat boxes of crowds, in an attempt to cool down whilst you dance.

Firstly, that doesn't make sense. They're moving anyway, making blood pump around the body and their pores to open so they naturally sweat. Do you really think removing a tiny bit of cloth will help cool down? These people are not your friends. Secondly, the exception of totally sweaty people is not an exception at all, if your t-shirt sticks to you whilst you sweat, don't wear one in the first place! A private strip tease isn't in order for us to see, we don't want to view your eternal struggle to pull the soaking shirt over your head and then fling the excess drips of sweat at our faces. Others will think it's raining. And lastly, the clothes will be lost, why spend tons of money on brands such DrySuper and LaurenRalph when it's just going to end up getting lost and used by a hobo as a pillow.

Salty...

5 video games that instantly make you cool...

Now personally, I don't play video games. I don't even own a console that isn't at least ten years old, all these sequels of game platforms can suck out, my N64 will always be top of the pile (I LOVE YOU MARIO). However out of all the games I have played round other people's houses and at ComicCon etc, give the basis of what it means to be 'cool' in today's society.Whether you have an awesome job, a lovable personality or look cooler than a snowman with a cap on backwards, all these games either meet aspirations in one's own mind or in other people's eyes. So, without further ado, I give you 5 video games that instantly make you cool, even if in your own life you're nothing but a tragic loser...
 

Living proof that anyone can be famous

1. Guitar Hero
Musicians are a collection of the coolest breed of human known to man, their ability to play an instrument and make us sit there and do nothing but listen is outstanding. Prettiness doesn't even come into play if you're musically talented, just ask Seasick Steve. What a sight. It might also be the reason why almost all average shmos dream of being on stage performing to a massive crowd jumping at your jaunty tunes; the reason Guitar Hero is on this list.

This game let's you be that rockstar without even leaving your room, it acquires virtually no effort than just to sit on your sofa and press some colour coded buttons when they appear on screen. Granted, some people around the world are gifted at this video game, there are thousands of Youtube clips that enable them to show of their button and strumming skills, and they're worthy skills indeed, but nothing compared to the real thing. You aren't really creating music, just playing along with it as another artist intended, but in that sense it's why you become cool. Others and yourself will be able to sing along with the tunes blearing out of your tv set and the satisfaction that it is you who is providing this merriment makes you instantly popular. Even if you are playing on easy difficulty...

2. Left For Dead
Zombies are nothing more than cheap film and video game fodder that production companies use as enemies for unlikely protagonists to easily kill and become heroes. Let's face it, if we're talking about Romero's species of zombie, they are slow, mindless and easy to run away from. They're a worse version of human beings. 

However after 28 Days Later, that all changed. They can now run. Think. Punch and kick, all in all, a much more terrifying opponent. I'm scared already, and Left For Dead played on this new zombie emergent including them in a video game where the player IS one of the survivors. Genius.
This game gives the player a chance to be in a zombie apocalypse where the zombies are actually a threat. They feel inclined to save their team members, grow their leadership skills and battle with bravery to conquer fears. Virtually, of course. You put yourself inthe middle of a horrific experience and become the hero of the day. Now that is cool. Going around decapitating the evil horde with a frying pan is going to make you look awesome and chances are you'll probaby get the girl, and save the human race from extinction. Phwoar...

3. World of Warcraft
I know what you're thinking, how can this game make anyone look cool. You're paying monthly to live a seperate life as a gnome or some sort of fantasy creature that is able to cast spells and fight dragons. But trust me, it does. Not to regular people who don't cyber shop and actually have physical contact with other humans, but to the other millions of WoWsies that play online you're going to look ice cold.

If you're a level 80 on this game, you will be loved by all the relm and dramatically better than level 10 n00bs (I can't believe I just used the word n00bs. Apologies.) who have just started the game. Think of it as a democracy run by class system, the better you're doing in society's eyes, the better life you'll have. Questing and slaying monsters will have girls around the world begging for men to enter a forum with them, or share a cheeky video chat on Skype, either way, this game will make you popular with other players and may even find you love with the opposite sex, or the same sex, depending what you're in too...

"I now pronounce you, Goblin and Goblin. You may kiss the Goblin".

 4. Spyro
Many 1-player platform games hold the same techniques and tendencies Spyro does, but this game makes you cool for a different reason... you're a skateboarding purple dragon.

That is all.

 5. Call Of Duty
Guns and violence are a concoction of ingredients that create a video game with popularity and an oppurtunity to shoot things without the consequences, such as death. War is never pretty to share nor watch, let alone be involved in however COD, as it's ofishly abbreviated , has the gamers hooked by the millions around the globe.

Respawning after death means no one will win this war.

Anyone remotely considered cool or gnarly to a surfer dude plays the latest Call Of Duty and is good at it. With awards for headshots and killstreaks, this game brings war to life and turns your living room into a battlefield as you emerge yourself within the life of soldier, and you're not alone. Literally. That's what makes this game cool, the fact that you aren't the only one playing it. You feel comforted to know that you aren't the only person out there not feeling bad or being discriminated for shooting a foreigner in the face. Unless you have a headset, in which case, prepare for abuse...

3 calendar dates that drive the public insane

Merry Leap Year everybody! It feels strange looking at a calendar and seeing a number on a month that isn't supposed to be there, but I guess thats what February's all about, Leap Years and pancakes. Delicious, delicious pancakes. But back to today's Topic, holidays are the days of the year that people rejoice their love for each other and share this bountiful day of freedom in celebration of something. However, there are some days that mean nothing, they're just there either from tradition, or to annoy and gently pillage the public into giving. There may be reasons behind these days, but celebrations in the modern world have changed nowadays, and evolved in to a pain in society's backside. The following is a simple list of three calendar dates that drive people insane, perhaps this'll shed some light on how crazy these days are...

1. Halloween
"As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door". Edgar Allen Poe saw it coming. Kids await Halloween night like it's the coming of the Messiah, the whole idea of slapping on ridiculous clothes and make-up, only to then go up to adults to attempt to terrify the shit out of them in exchange for candy is a child's fantasy. I know, I was a child once. But once all grown up, we tend to find the concept rather daunting, as it now unsuprisingly scares the shit out of us. But it's not the children who tend to do the scaring, on their part they are just an irritation begging for sugary treats, think of the little tykes as midget  homeless people on their way to fancy dress gatherings. You pity them and hand them candy. Or rather have to, as the fright comes from their intimidating older brother/sister standing next to them, making sure they are protected from any candy stealing hoodlums. The obvious expression of them not wanting to be there and the anger that the sibling is getting something (even though they'll probably steal it from them anyway) and they aren't, can only result in one thing. Rage.

Never give them an apple.

After midnight and the small ones are in bed, they'll head out in packs to the houses that either rejected their family candy or which ever owner gave them a dirty look to egg your house and trash your front lawn. Now THIS is terrifying. All that effort trying to scare us with zombie face painting is nothing compared to the threat of a bike coming through your window. Halloween's main fear factor is now from teenagers, not ghouls and goblins. Unlike the Twilight saga, who's teenagers seem to glimmer rather than tear people's throats out. (SEE AN EARLIER POST).

2. Easter
Chocolate is awfully tasty and as many of you know, it melts in your mouth and is an aphrodisiac. It's THAT good. But everytime Easter comes around, chocolate suddenly becomes a necessity and gateway to a diabetic problem. We consume more cocoa eggs and bunnies over the Easter period than three years worth of chocolate compared to the average intake we would usually have. That isn't fact. I made it up, but I'm sure if I could be bothered to research it would have a similar jist.

We all become greedy on Easter (Pancake Day for the pancakes, St Patrick's day for the drink etc etc) and find it nessecary to eat tons of chocolate, even though that day isn't any more special than any other day according to our bodies. Jesus may have something to say about that, but our sugar and fat intake doesn't measure things by how long ago a guy may or may not have arisen from the dead. It lives in the present and as an organism, and presently, your fattening yourself up with Easter treats and piling on the pounds so for the next couple of weeks you'll be waddling instead of walking. In addition, Lindt make a fortune out of you...

"I'm gonna mess with your insides"

3. Valentine's Day
I love you. Them three words mean something, well should mean something when people say them and not just blotted about randomly when ever felt like it. It toys with feelings and prevokes emotion, so when said, it should also be shown. Three hundred and sixty five days a year. Not one. Are you catching my drift?

Your girlfriend's special to us, too.

Valentine's day is a commercial way getting couples and desperate single people to part with cash in hoping to either obtain some kind of affection from another human being and nothing more. Nothing changes on this day, your relationship is still in the same place it has always been and, unless it's a landmark date in your personal entwined lives, it's not really significant personally. It's just an excuse to go out for a meal, pay double the price as any other week day and to buy cheap crap from Clinton Cards that he/she's only going to throw out eventually anyway. Seeing couples go mad on Valentine's day makes me want to tear my eyes out and feel sympathy...for his wallet.

4 items of clothing no man should ever wear in public...

There is no time for emotion...

Men. It seems that as a species our clothing knowledge is rather depeleted  compared to women, who manage to somehow pull off and look beautiful in anything. Or nothing at all. But we can't seem to get a grip of the fashion world, whether it's because we simply don't care about clothes or that we try to dress badly on purpose to annoy wives and girlfriends, either way, we suck at being fashionable. Even male models can't wear clothes without looking like mannequins who just came out of a prostate exam. But some men go to the extreme and make most men look bad across the world, therefore, I give you the four clothing items no man should ever wear in public, and for god sake guys, read and learn...ALSO I have done this question thing at the bottom, I've tagged some people, but if I haven't, leave your answers in the comment box too! :)

1. Tank Tops
I don't care how hot it is, or how big your rippling guns may be, you look like a dick if you wear a tank top. Promoting half a shirt is only saying you belong on a basketball court  or you can't afford sleeves, and neither is particulary impressive unless you're actually playing basketball. T shirts aren't exactly that expensive with massive chains such as CostCo and Primark around, I'm sure people could afford a t-shirt that doesn't expose the top of a chest and collar bone, a simple crew neck would suffice. The worst kind of tank tops are ones that stick tight to the skin of men, showing every bulge and every pound of fat that caressess their body. Even the nipples come out to say hello to disgusted passers by, and they're only looking at them because of the twat-like nature screaming from the vest that's blatantly too small. Wear tank tops to bed, or burn them...
 

Psychographics: This guy has watched too many 50 Pence and M&M videos that he automatically thinks tank tops are acceptable, or he actually thinks he's from the hood. He's most likely athletic in the art of sports or in a band. Rock band members always seem to wear XL tank tops with some sort of graphic design on them...

Another photo, ruined.

 2. Ugg Boots
Basically a glorified slipper, Ugg boots have recently sprung up across the world in their millions, and at £170 a go, they aren't exactly the cheapest of footwear neither. A slipper from Australia doesn't really make much sense since it's baking hot nearly every month of the year out there. But that isn't what this post is about, no way. It's about men. Men in Ugg boots. I've seen it, and I nearly vomitted everywhere. They're in the girl's section of a shop for a reason, brace yourself...they're meant for girls, 'cause girls like that fluffy, comfy kind of clothing and footwear, as it reminds them of teddies and girly stuff. But if you're a guy, you should be into football, and err, sharp things...playing to a stereotypes isn't proving my point here. If you know a guy who wears a pair of Ugg boots, make him eat sand until he throws them in the river, or if you're a girl, make him give them to you. He'll understand.
 

Psychographics: I don't really want to say they'll most probably be gay, because that's an assumption, but there's a good chance they might be. A very good chance. Either that or he's a straight guy who probably ironically loves fashion and celebrity magazines, and girls, if you find this guy you are the luckiest woman on this planet...
 

"I hope they burn your legs"

3. Leather trousers
Sweating is the most natural of occurrences when either hot, embarassed or nervous, and in leather pants, you'll be experencing all three of these feeling simultaneously. Scrotums everywhere must fear the dreaded legs-shaped dead cow, simply because of the sweaty heat that is about to be bestowed on them, and through them sweating like a lamb in a slaughterhouse comes the second problem, they'll stick. 'Til the end of time. People wear these things once and then cut them off with scissors hem by hem. The moisture makes them expand, then when they cool, it'll retract back to a smaller size moulding into the shape of your legs and hips. Just to think, the most expensive trousers you've ever bought will now be a part of you forever like that hideous parasite out of Spiderman 3. Just don't sit on any leather sofas, or it'll sound like the most massive fart everytime you move, and that's just nasty...
 

Psychographics: Stereotypically classed as 'Indie', these people listen to soft prog rock, lay about all day then go to concerts at night. Giving labels to certain groups of people is wrong, but the best way to describe them. If you don't know what Indie means, see this:


www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=indie

Explanations are not my thing.
 

4. Bodywarmers
 

It's cold, but you have no sleeves...WELL DONE.
 

Psychographics: Cold. As Fuck.

Bellend.

QUESTIONS! :)

Tagged:

Itin, Hassel, Craig Cantrell , Sujana.

1. Favourite song? 

2. Dance move of the century?

3. The best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

4. The yummiest cereal?

5. If you could make up one line in a song, what would it be?

6. How hungry are you right now?

7. Interesting fact about yourself?

8. Is the head of your bed facing away or toward your door?

9. If you could be animal, which animal would it be?

10. Favourite internet meme?

11. Probability of you actually fowarding this quiz thing? Out of 10, 1 being lowest. 

Please repost the rules of this tagging game:

· Post 11 random things about yourself.

· Answer the tagged questions.

· Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

5 of the most pointless pets to own..

Owning a pet is basically telling people you are lonely in your own species and need to connect with some other form of companion to achieve social satisfaction. That's why I have a cat. However there are some animals that aren't as cute or playful as an adorable kitty, yet some people  insist on buying animals that become ornaments rather than something to enjoy or interact with. Therefore, this blog post is for you people out there who buy the most pointless pets to own, hopefully it will make you think differently about your useless companion...

1. Fish
It stares at you in the murky depth of his bowl. It can see into your soul, ever gliding through the water searching for it's next meal. And that's all it'll ever do. Fish are fundamentally the most boring creatures on this planet, they don't show any affection, any emotion or make any noise. They are simply decoration. Expensive decoration too, filters and tanks can cost hundreds of pounds, as well as the decoration in the tank. So that's a decoration, in a decoration. I'll stop typing decoration now. All to keep this floating, scaly bore happy, even though happiness is an emotion way too complex for his undeveloped brain.
 

It'd look better with chips.

The only thing I can think of comparing a fish to is a Tamagotchi, the pocket video game that had a pixelated animal on the screen that you had to feed and clean or it'd die. The description is uncanny.  Both give absoloutely no affection to their owner and are simply there to perish. Infact, that's the only time you feel anything for these things, when they die, only even that's pointless, as when they were living they didn't give you anything in the first place so there's technically nothing for you to cry over. You'd just have laid out a ridiculous amount of money to feel sad and unsatisfied. No wonder you win these things at funfairs.
 

2. Hamsters
They are exceptionally adorable, however hamsters are more trouble when they're worth. Firstly, there's the smell. Dogs may smell occasionally, but at least they can jump in the bath for a quick soak before people come round for tea and scones (stereotypically British beverage right there). The hamster's woft of mess and sawdust will linger in your house always, as the cage is in your house. You could put it outside, but then comes the second reason that a hamster is pointless; it'll catch something, and eventually die. 

"Please tell me you've washed your hands"

Most probably about a week after buying it. They don't last, you won't even grow an attachment to it before it becomes nothing but a perfect candidate to be part of a fur scarf. They catch illness quickly and don't have a strong enough immune system to deal with the bacteria or disease, so it just essentially gives up. Either that or you'll be the one to kill it, as they are small and fragile and it's only a matter of time before it gets sucked up the vacuum nozzle or crushed by it's wheel in the cage. But before they do this selfish act of death, they'll annoy you one last time. They breed like, rabbits? Of course this is impossible if it's alone, but most hamster owner's won't buy one hamster, they'll get one for both of the children, or feel sorry for the solitary loner and buy a companion for it (the irony). Next thing they'll be on top of each other rampantly fucking and hamster babies will be everywhere. You could sell them, but then the cycle starts all over again round somebody else's house.
 

3. Spiders
These are disgusting. I'm sorry, but those who own a spider out there, just release it in the garden right now. Make a thing of it, release it in the fashion of a prison escape and film it like the ending of The Shawshank Redemption and post it on YouTube. Likes and comments from real people are worth more than these things, even if it's hate and trolling. Feeding them live insects is just one of the most cruel but also revolting things the owner has to do, another is actually looking at the thing without feeling terrified it's going to get out and crawl under your duvet at night. I don't even want to write about these anymore, typing the word spider is making me feel all tingly and wrong. Eeeewwwww, so many shudders.
 

'sup.

4. Any bird species
Birds have wings for a reason, to fly. If you own a caged bird, depriving it of it's natural life pattern of emigrating will drive the bird mentally ill. Why do you think they stare in mirrors and think it's company? They're already insane and it's your fault. It's antics during the day are nothing more than to eat trill, talk to itself and chirp so loud that a blanket has to be put over it's face to quiet down.

Sure they look pretty and colourful, and you can tease cats if you like that kind of thing, but this animal will do nothing but keep you up all night long with it's excessive noise and turn your kitchen into a trill factory.The bags bought from the pet store are huge, seriously, you will never run out, no bird is that hungry and obese. 

5.Snails

*silence*

What is the point of you?