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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

5 of the most pointless pets to own..

Owning a pet is basically telling people you are lonely in your own species and need to connect with some other form of companion to achieve social satisfaction. That's why I have a cat. However there are some animals that aren't as cute or playful as an adorable kitty, yet some people  insist on buying animals that become ornaments rather than something to enjoy or interact with. Therefore, this blog post is for you people out there who buy the most pointless pets to own, hopefully it will make you think differently about your useless companion...

1. Fish
It stares at you in the murky depth of his bowl. It can see into your soul, ever gliding through the water searching for it's next meal. And that's all it'll ever do. Fish are fundamentally the most boring creatures on this planet, they don't show any affection, any emotion or make any noise. They are simply decoration. Expensive decoration too, filters and tanks can cost hundreds of pounds, as well as the decoration in the tank. So that's a decoration, in a decoration. I'll stop typing decoration now. All to keep this floating, scaly bore happy, even though happiness is an emotion way too complex for his undeveloped brain.
It'd look better with chips.
The only thing I can think of comparing a fish to is a Tamagotchi, the pocket video game that had a pixelated animal on the screen that you had to feed and clean or it'd die. The description is uncanny.  Both give absoloutely no affection to their owner and are simply there to perish. Infact, that's the only time you feel anything for these things, when they die, only even that's pointless, as when they were living they didn't give you anything in the first place so there's technically nothing for you to cry over. You'd just have laid out a ridiculous amount of money to feel sad and unsatisfied. No wonder you win these things at funfairs.
2. Hamsters
They are exceptionally adorable, however hamsters are more trouble when they're worth. Firstly, there's the smell. Dogs may smell occasionally, but at least they can jump in the bath for a quick soak before people come round for tea and scones (stereotypically British beverage right there). The hamster's woft of mess and sawdust will linger in your house always, as the cage is in your house. You could put it outside, but then comes the second reason that a hamster is pointless; it'll catch something, and eventually die. 
"Please tell me you've washed your hands"

Most probably about a week after buying it. They don't last, you won't even grow an attachment to it before it becomes nothing but a perfect candidate to be part of a fur scarf. They catch illness quickly and don't have a strong enough immune system to deal with the bacteria or disease, so it just essentially gives up. Either that or you'll be the one to kill it, as they are small and fragile and it's only a matter of time before it gets sucked up the vacuum nozzle or crushed by it's wheel in the cage. But before they do this selfish act of death, they'll annoy you one last time. They breed like, rabbits? Of course this is impossible if it's alone, but most hamster owner's won't buy one hamster, they'll get one for both of the children, or feel sorry for the solitary loner and buy a companion for it (the irony). Next thing they'll be on top of each other rampantly fucking and hamster babies will be everywhere. You could sell them, but then the cycle starts all over again round somebody else's house.
3. Spiders
These are disgusting. I'm sorry, but those who own a spider out there, just release it in the garden right now. Make a thing of it, release it in the fashion of a prison escape and film it like the ending of The Shawshank Redemption and post it on YouTube. Likes and comments from real people are worth more than these things, even if it's hate and trolling. Feeding them live insects is just one of the most cruel but also revolting things the owner has to do, another is actually looking at the thing without feeling terrified it's going to get out and crawl under your duvet at night. I don't even want to write about these anymore, typing the word spider is making me feel all tingly and wrong. Eeeewwwww, so many shudders.
4. Any bird species
Birds have wings for a reason, to fly. If you own a caged bird, depriving it of it's natural life pattern of emigrating will drive the bird mentally ill. Why do you think they stare in mirrors and think it's company? They're already insane and it's your fault. It's antics during the day are nothing more than to eat trill, talk to itself and chirp so loud that a blanket has to be put over it's face to quiet down.

Sure they look pretty and colourful, and you can tease cats if you like that kind of thing, but this animal will do nothing but keep you up all night long with it's excessive noise and turn your kitchen into a trill factory.The bags bought from the pet store are huge, seriously, you will never run out, no bird is that hungry and obese. 


What is the point of you?


  1. This post is hilarious. You certainly have a point. But don't you think birds are cute especially parrots? They make great entertainers/stand up comedians for house guests. I'd love them to be embarrassed by my 'birdy'.

    1. Haha! That'd brilliant if friends came over...

      "Shall we put a dvd on?"
      "Naah, I'll get the parrot"

  2. I'm having a love affair with my neighbor's African Gray Cuckatoo. We make noises at each other and sometimes he dances for me. That said, I will probably only every own cats and dogs. I can live with changing a litter box now and again, but I had rats as a kid--caged animals are nasty to clean up after, and worse if you don't. And unlike a cat, there would be no POINT in putting the cage in a corner in the basement you don't have to smell except when you are doing laundry.

    1. A love affair!? Saauucccyyyy! Your cat must be plotting against that cockatoo, evil, evil plans...

      But yes! Furry kitties are the way to go! :)

    2. Btw I tagged you!

  3. I read that Hamsters eat their babies. I had a male and female and I put them together for a few seconds and the female literally bitchslapped the male XD. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORLD WAR 3 IF I DIDN'T STOP THAT FIGHT RIGHT THEN AND THERE. It was intense I tell you. The sole purpose of buying a hamster is to over-feed them until they're obese then you can look back on what you've achieved :B.
    I like fat animals....> >

    1. Haha! That guy was all up in that bitch's face. Obesity, or until they explode through the wonder of saturated fats.


  4. Uh asshole you dont keep fish for companionship its a hobby. The goal is to construct a tank that is both a proper environment for your fish and plants and one that is esthetically pleasing. It's kind of like making art only your pieces are alive and constantly changing. Also fish do a lot of shit if you care for them properly. I kept a school of female bettas and I'd spent hours watching them display at each other in their never ending struggle to show that their more dominant than the other. Shit you can train goldfish to do tricks look it up on youtube. Who gives a fuck if they love you or not? That's what humans are for.

  5. Is this an essay written by a child? It was about as useful as windscreen wipers on a submarine, what a pathetic piece of writing

  6. This is awful..including more than half the comments..

  7. This is awful..including more than half the comments..

  8. you have no buisness calling any of these animals usless you rotten turd, I think you are usless