Array of Topics

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

4 jobs that annoy the public…

Employment is one of the more difficult Topics to Bitch about simply because it’s a very sensitive subject, however like all unwanted chores, it has to be done. Jobs have a notoriety to be difficult to find when you’re out of work as experience and past employment comes into factor with most companies these days and frankly, who can blame them? They don’t want to train someone from scratch, that’s time consuming and pointless when someone else with certain experience in the field is applying for the job. Still, the fact remains that there are people with no experience because nearly every company has this mindset, so how can they gain experience if no one will employ them without experience? What a mindfuck. 
Everyone loses their cool.
However there are some jobs that are so easy and horribly annoying that people are forced to take them up due to money issues and you know, the necessity of living. Therefore I give you the 4 jobs that annoy the public to such an extent, that anger is bound to ensue. Remember though, if you do come across any person that has been unfortunate enough to be put into any of these 4 positions, spare some sympathy for that poor soul. Then show your frustration, ‘cause you’re only human…

1. Bathroom attendant

Men everywhere have felt the rage build up inside them when one of these are skulking around the sinks and drying towels. He feeds off the naivety of the male’s need for sex, and uses the power of crude persuasion to tempt you into buying a few sprays of fragrance. Now I haven’t been in ladies bathroom of late because I myself am of the male gender, and not a creepy guy who likes to watch women sit on the toilet. Seriously, how are these type of men allowed to walk among us? Therefore I’m clueless if the ladies can share such annoyance, but if not, just feel our pain for the moment.

Imperial Leather junkies...
We’re about to wash our hands after a rather relieving session with the toilet and there he is, forcing eye contact as if he wants to take you out for dinner. It’s a charming notion, but disturbing nonetheless. Cleanliness is the first thing on the menu when washing hands, so we look for the soap. But there is none. Strange, a club of this caliber, and there’s no soap? What is this nonsense!? But then of course it comes to revelation that he has it. Guarding it as if we would be inclined to take more than we need, like a greedy soap gremlin. Either way, we need the soap, but he won’t just give us it. Oh no, that would be too simple. He juveniles us and squirts it in our hands. We are not fucking five! We do not need help! Why didn’t you just come in the cubicle and wipe our arses for us? Pull up our pants if you want, we must not be capable to do them simple tasks too if we can’t even wash our own bloody hands! Then he tempts us to buy some fragrance after helping us to dry our hands with cheap paper towels. Typing in these inclusive pronouns is starting to make me feel like Gollum.

Using a clever concoction of sexual psychology and clever wordplay he tries to batter us down to accept the charge of using the bathroom. Shouting things across the bathroom such as “No splash, No gash!” and the infamous, “No Armani, No punani!” The single men in the room jump at the chance of not smelling like sweat, in the chance that there’s girl in the club might get off on the smell of “Joop!” If you rely on how you smell to attract the opposite sex, you must have the personality of a shoe. Avoid the attendant, at all costs.

Annoyance rating: 9/10

2. Telephone operator

Everyone is trying to sell you something these days. It seems that anything goes when making money is involved and stealing is top of the list. I’m not talking about daylight physical robbery. I’m talking about stealing your personal details, such as phone numbers. I’m nineteen and I’ve had hundreds of calls urging me to claim miss-sold PPI to a point where I’m actually convinced I’m owed money. Asking me this is like asking a blind person for directions, the answer is always going to be, “Fuck off”.

Call me again. I dare you.
 I personally like to have full-blown conversations with them completely off topic to waste their time, and let’s face it; I have a lot of Topics to talk about. How they obtain the phone number in the first place is a mystery. They probably scan Facebook for idiots who have left their accounts connected to their mobiles. In the case of these people, I have no sympathy for your ever-ringing phone.

Annoyance rating: 6/10

3. “Professional” Tumblr Bloggers

Blogging is a way to express opinions and start discussions with other people who have the same interests. Some people are lucky enough to be employed by posting their blogs on legit websites and get paid for it. These people are called Journalists. There’s a fact for you. Now we have that out of the way, I can wade you into shit swamp that is Tumblr and the types of people that you can find on there. If you use Tumblr as a hobby, that’s perfect, it’s what it’s meant for. Go you! However, there are people that take it way too seriously and look at it as a career rather than a past time. Poor deluded souls.

Posting art and thoughts on Tumblr is NOT A CAREER. If you can make a bit of money in the process with advertisement and selling the odd t-shirt, you’ve done extremely well. To take it further, get employed by an actual company and share your portfolio with them, then you can call it career. I’ve seen people list it as a profession on Facebook and Twitter and list it on their CV’s. I don’t think employers will give a horse’s left testicle about how many notes one post got. Unless they’re wearing the t-shirt you sold, then brag away.

Annoyance rating: 7/10

4. Market Trader

You’re selling 5 bananas for a pound. We get it. No need to shout.

Annoyance Rating: 5/10

When the pimps in the crib ma...

Sunday, November 11, 2012

3 idiotic recent casting decisions for upcoming popular movies.....

Yes. It's true. TopicBitch is back after a 3-month hiatus. I would like to say it was because I was voyaging the ocean depths and backpacking across the misty mountains of the Himalayas, but the truth is, I’ve just been remarkably lazy. Sure work and the second year of university may have played a part, but most of the time I’ve just been sitting around on my skinny arse playing SNES games and occasionally seeing the light of day. However there’s no need to fear. I’m back, with inspiration from the human race’s stupidity that fuels my Bitchiness. A fire will rise… (copyright Warner Bros and DC)

"Go on. Take the last beer. I dare you."
Casting isn’t the easiest job by any means in a film’s postproduction, even though you would think a mediocre generic actor could easily fill most roles. For example if there’s a gritty tough-guy role that needs to be filled, you pick Jason Statham, since he has more testosterone than a giant bull elephant being ridden by the target audience of Top Gear. However the choice of some casting teams is blinded by the actor’s popular profile and is assumed to be the best possible individual for the role simply because of their star status. Therefore I give you 3 idiotic recent casting decisions for upcoming popular movies, as an educated guess can be made for how their performance will fair in the film’s narrative and I warn you, it’s not pretty…

1. Benedict Cumberbatch – Khan (Star Trek II)

British people as villains is a running trend throughout Hollywood, it’s something about our well spoken English and casual mannerism about almost everything that seems to chill America to the bone. I can’t imagine a character from 90210 or this girl who has the mental capacity of a sponge à, having the same qualities. Thank goodness my faith was partly restored by the country voting Obama in the White House for a second term. Well done America. I’m proud of you. Anyway, back on Topic, Khan was a mastermind spanning through most of the classic Star Trek episodes and movies, so depicting his evil nature is never going to be an easy task, but Benedict? Seriously?

 In Sherlock he plays a fast-talking, arrogant hero that wouldn’t hurt a fly. The transformation into a slow-talking, death-reaping villain would be quite the accomplishment. Has he got the skill? I don’t see it. Besides, Khan’s old in the original, he has wrinkles on his wrinkles and more folds on his face than an origami puzzle. Unless the visual effects team does something to Benedict’s gorgeous complexion in the make-up chair, he’ll pose no more threat to Captain Kirk than a Clingon in a beauty contest. 

All in all, he isn’t fitting the bill for me, I’ve always imagined an Alan Rickman type actor to play that role if it ever cropped up again, but then again we all know he died when he tried to save Harry Potter and Nagini bit his throat…


2. Jeremy Renner - Hansel (Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters)

“Your bow Hawkeye! Kill the witch with the bow! Don‘t just stake her, your master art is in archery! God damn it!” Yeah, I’m going there.

Who is honestly going to take Jeremy Renner seriously in this dark spin-off of the children’s fairytale? He barely made it through The Bourne Legacy without the same thought protruding in the back of everyone’s minds. Even that beard couldn’t cover up his super hero status, throughout the whole film I was chanting him to get rid of his sniper rifle and unearth his bow, which he’d buried in the snow. Rhyming makes everything roll off your tongue.

Will he have same problem Tobey Maguire has with his Spiderman phase cancelling out all other roles for him to play? Probably not, it’s just a minor character persona he’ll shake off in about 6 months, unlike Tobey’s 3-long film hurdle he has to overcome. If he overcomes it, that is. It seems unlikely.

3. Mark Wahlberg (Transformers 4)

This information was literally released yesterday and is my inspiration for re-vamping TopicBitch because it proves that there is no improvement in the film world’s stupidity. 

He’s managed to land another role in a high-octane action movie and for some unknown reason has been confirmed as the only casted actor so far. I don’t why they got rid of Shloeur LeBuff…Shoe LaBoot…the original guy from the Transformer saga, he was perfect for this generation of teens, why replace him with the stale ham sandwich of all actors!? My hate is reinforced with undeniable facts; just watch any movie where he has to play a character that actually moves. Go on. I dare you. 

Monday, August 20, 2012

3 "healthy foods" you probably think are good for you...

The general public this day and age are obsessed with health and well-being, as the up keep of your body will ensure you of a long life and a fit physical state when you hit retirement. This statement is true, as living on nothing but crisps and McDonalds isn't exactly going to expand your lifespan, only your waist and risk of heart disease. Production companies have recognized our need to feed on the food with less saturated fats, therefore have sprung a bombardment of adverts on television of beautiful women chowing down on what ever crap they can muster from their factories. However some of the foods you'd think would help either lose weight or stay in shape just well, don't. Doing some research on calorieking (source right there) I now bring you 3 "healthy foods" you probably think are good for you and you may be surprised. Or maybe not, if you're like me and study the back of packaging for hours on end...

1. Cereal Bars

It's a simple idea, cereals are healthy so why not convert them into a tasty nutritional snack you can have on the go!? No milk, no mess and you still get the amazing taste of a breakfast any time of the day, where ever you may be. I should work for these advertising companies. However as amazing as that idea sounds, the reality is that you might as well eat a chocolate bar. A cereal bar has an average of 160 calories per bar, whilst a bar of Dairy Milk only has 200. That. Is. Fact. 
Smile your way to obesity.
 So put down that Nutri-Grain and tuck into a chocaltey sugary treat and don't feel bad about yourself. Just think, all of them actresses on the commercials, they're now rolling down the high street as they've kept eating them constantly thanks to the company giving them a life time supply. Oh well, at least that girl got paid, mhhhm. That's about as ghetto as I can get. 

2. Yoghurt Drinks

Frankly anything that can be eaten with spoon should be not condensed and stuck into a bottle for a drink. It feels wrong in my opinion. But apparently they help the digestive system flow or whatever according to the adverts. 

Using a diagram on every advert to make you feel like a simpleton that doesn't know how to take a shit, when in truth all the products do is offer a cheap alternative to an actual decent breakfast. Pouring yoghurt is another example, putting this gloopy liquid all over your corn flakes insults the cereal and your taste buds, stick to milk, it's the right way to go...

3. Super Noodles

Pasta can't be fattening can it? It's just wheat!? Everyone knows bread makes you pile on the pounds but Batchelors have managed to make a pasta product that. University students everywhere live off these easy to make snacks and I'm a hypocrite, since I'm one of them. Chicken flavour is the best. You gotta have the chicken flavour. 

 I couldn't tell you how they do it, but they process the noodles in such away that half a pack is 27% of your daily calorie intake. The flavouring powder adds a few percentages to that number, as they make the noodles addictive and finger lickin' good. KFC won't sue. I'm sure.  

"See you in court motherlicker"

Saturday, August 4, 2012

4 awful actors that still manage to get work...

How does it keep happening? They spring up in films with masterful direction and alongside others with sheer individual talent. Think of them as the STD of the movie business, they'll be casted for roles way out of their depths and keep coming back on to a screen near you. Watching The Dark Knight Rises this week has formed a certain clarity in my head between what makes a good and a disgraceful excuse of an actor, as compared to the following list of these 4 awful actors/actresses that manage to get work, they stand out like a Jamaican in a 100m sprint (stick in an Olympic reference, for the sport enthusiasts)...
I will now play, 'Lesbian Seagal'.

1. Steven Seagal
Martial arts is a dying genre, especially in the Western world as we are now used to seeing more intense, gritty action sequences that involve CGI, explosions and gore. Glorious cinema. However this old timer refuses to let go of the past, promoting his ponytail to straight-to-DVD distributors with clever camera work to ensure that he does minimal stunts or movement, for that matter. For someone who's supposed to be an all out action hero, he is rather tame. Seagal's martial art skills are lacking, he has a hard time enunciating English and his surname sounds like Seagull, which frankly, is hilarious. The most pain Seagal is going to cause the baddie is by nicking his ice cream on the seafront.

However reaching cult status in lousy B movies is quite an achievement for someone his age and level of talent. But for goodness sake Steve, give it up whilst you're ahead. Go into another profession such as hairdresser, a butcher or perhaps sensei AS THAT IS YOUR FIELD OF EXPERTISE. Leave the acting to the pros...

Worst offence : Flight Of Fury (2007)

2. Kristen Stewart
The solemn face of Kristen haunts screens everywhere. Her pale, non-expressive body continues to plague awkward teenagers with an actress that lowers their IQ every time she is seen playing a role that requires some emotive skill. Just to think this generation is looking up to her as a role model, creating a young army of boring personalities throughout the world.

I can't type anymore about her, it's boring me to Bitch about this, err, bitch? Yeah.

Worst offence: Cheating on the pale, ginger one from Twilight...

 3. Mark Wahlberg
I call him the ham sandwich. More precisely, the stale ham sandwich as every role he plays could be easily be replaced by a ham sandwich. Let me explain; on the outside we find bread, the damp spongy exterior that's enough to fulfill the hunger of looks you need, but still rather bland.Then we have the lettuce, the crisp vibrant colour that is hugely disappointing in taste, as it's all water and no substance. Finally, we come to the ham. The cold filling, thin and pink with a salty aftertaste that stays in your mouth for ages after eating the meal. All in all, it's satisfactory at best. Did I actually just describe a sandwich? Straight jacket please...

Oh hi Mark! Whoops, mistaken again...
 He is always either annoyed, dazed or confused about EVERYTHING. The only emotion he can produce, and it's still embarrassing when performed on camera. But he's middle aged, can speak fluently and looks like an 'average guy', so he's cheap narrative fodder for a casting agent to pick up for a bland role.

Worst Offence: Max Payne (2008)

4. Tobey Maguire
Every face he pulls he looks constipated. Plus that weird dancing scene he does in Spiderman 3 creeps me the fuck out...*shiver*

Worst offence: Spiderman 3 (2007)

Monday, July 16, 2012

5 things you must do to survive a zombie apocalypse...

I'm not in the new series, ssshhhhhh...
With the Olympics being just around the corner, I thought I'd stay clear of that subject and write about something much more interesting and imaginative: zombies. With the release of the new season 3 Walking Dead trailer, I thought this Topic would be appropriate. Zombies aren't exactly the most terrifying of creatures, as they are essentially us without the capacity to show emotion or feeling, that slowly limp and groan in melancholy everywhere. Just think of them as an army of pensioners with severe Alzheimer's disease. Yet if mostly EVERYONE was a pensioner, the mass horde of them would make them a little bit harder to defeat and survival would become challenging. No electricity, Internet, communication or economy would cancel out the way of life we know now and take us back to the stone ages of every man for himself. However in order to survive, as I have seen in countless movies and media, there are 5 things you must do to survive a zombie apocalypse as failure to do so will either be the result of you becoming the undead, being shredded apart or going insane....

1. Arm yourself
Now I must warn you some of these things are going to be blatantly obvious, but crucial nonetheless as without weapons you're like a turkey on thanksgiving. That's right, I'm whipping out the cliche similes. But when I say arm yourself it might surprise that you guns are a big NO during the horde's rain of terror. A gun is only useful for a certain period of time, as eventually you'll run out of bullets and since I live in London, ammunition isn't available at every street corner. Besides if you are living in America, gun shops are going to be the first place people will gather and selfishly turn anything that walks toward their shop into dust. Nothing electrical either or stuff that needs to be charged, as with all city's power grids down you'll have to skulk around for a generator that is powered by wind turbines or something, and if it's not windy, you're fucked.

The best weapon to obtain is a light, solid, close combat weapon. Something you can easily swing and bash the old timer's head into a pulp with if they get too close to your feeble body. A baseball bat or a large piece of wood would be perfect candidates, give that gruesome ghoul a vicious splinter also whilst hitting them. There is a down-side to this though; if you get cornered by a massive swarm of them, swinging your wood about isn't going to get you out of that situation, which leads me onto the next rule....
Mr Roth knows.
2. Find sanction
...whatever you do, leave yourself an easy escape. It's all very well stumbling upon a impenetrable underground bunker, however you have to leave the possibility that the pensioners will overrun your hide out and tear you apart.

Solution? LEAVE AN EASY ESCAPE. Did I just mention this? Oh yes, right. Find yourself a cosy little habitat where the horde won't find you, but just in case they do you can dart out of the window or something and make your escape. Preferably somewhere high, 'cause why would they ever look up? But at the same time, not so high that if you plunge out of the attic you won't fall to a death that involves the word "splat" in a Beano comic. Another positive for having a big space, is that you can invite other survivors to stay with you in this time of need as being alone will surely drive you to insanity, however...

3. Make friends with boring people
...just make sure they have a docile personality. Trust me, making friends with hyper, "idea people" will only cause mayhem. They will do anything to exceed power and take control of your new found establishment, whether it's convincing other people's opinions on their side to force you out or make an elaborate escape plan to a survival colony 500 miles away. Either way, it will end up with you dying in one way or another.

Make sure your companions will follow orders and drone to your fashion of living and you will obtain the conversation you crave and survive to tell this tale to a battery powered video camera documenting your life. However, don't become too attached, falling in love or formulating a bromance with strangers will only send you into a slumping depression when they're eventually eaten or leave due to an inexplicable reasons. Stay only friends and...

Oh Bear...
4. Have no morals
...forget your moral code. Release your savage survival instinct and become a wily Bear Grylls. Obviously I'm not talking about drinking your own piss when times are at there bleakest, I'm talking about not taking shit from anyone or anything. 

 If a pensioner comes up to you, and you know them, do not hesitate by thinking, "Nooo, noooo, (err, names, shit, err) Albert! Not you Albert! You're my best friend, I cant shoot you". Grow a pair. Albert will rip your face in the time you way out the pros and cons of killing your best friend. Frankly, anything you knew of Albert is long gone, as all that is on his mind right now nibbling on your juicy face. Speaking of nibbling,...

5. Keep a backpack of food and water

...fucking eat everything. You have to keep your strength up, otherwise you'll be too weak to; grab your baseball bat, hermit a new home, argue with your fellow survivalists, bash your best friend's face to a bloody pulp or basically live.

Simples. (all rights reserved to Aleksandr Orlov)

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

3 reasons why porn cannot have a narrative...

It's that guy from The Hangover
How did this book suddenly pop up over night? It seems every single person with a pair of X chromosomes has devised an opinion on Fifty Shades of Grey, and it's fair to say the opinion is mixed. I have skimmed it via an e-book, I have not read it completely, although I did acquire the basic gist that the book entails: it's soft porn. A novel can indulge the reader into depicting the author's mindset and life experiences and through this, the audience can see she is sexually frustrated with a hint of mental instability. No? Only me? She did write fan fiction after all. For Twilight of all things, and you can tell from the bulk of waffle and improbable dialogue Anastasia uses. "Oh how you beguile me!", *sells millions of copies*.  However this Topic is not about Fifty Shades of Grey, it's about porn. Pornography. Sex with actors. Although it is nationally thought to be the best friend of a man's right hand, a recent survey also suggests 6 in 10 women in Britain stream porn on the Internet. In addition with erotic fiction and the world wide phenomenon of E.L James' novel that is scared to use the word vagina, it is truly mainstream. However, I have a bone to pick with it. Not literally, though.  Porn shouldn't have a narrative, whether it's on paper or screen, and here are 3 reasons why...

1. Hilarity
The notion of a narrative allows you to immerse into a plot and understand a character's feelings whilst going a long their journey, no matter how short the time frame may be.  Sex should be used as a tool within a certain type of romance or real life genre to depict a bond between two people or a deception someone has committed. It should be an add on to a much bigger and longer plot. Giving porn a narrative however, ends up in hilarious consequences. How can it be taken seriously? You know the ending is going to be him blowing his load somewhere or other, therefore what's the point of giving the characters personalities?

 Let them get on with it! They even make shows with clever titles such as "Gash in the Attic" and "The XXX Factor" to let the viewer know what they're getting. Shouldn't they already know this!? IT'S PORN. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a television guide for porn channels, and maybe in years to come they'll even have a pull out with The Sun telling you what's on seeing it's one of the biggest industries on the planet. Back to the reason why Fifty Shades is doing so well. Women love this porn with narrative bile, because it speaks to them on a moral and acceptable level. It's side-splitting to see them whip out a copy on the train and start tucking in to it's physical descriptions. I've veered off Topic, I better get to the next point...

A fitting place to indulge in porn...
2. Copycats

 Young adult men will do anything for sex, as will some women in this day and age, the desperation of getting some is driving Western culture wild as it's safe to say we have become addicted. Scenarios in porn spark ideas for men to get laid as they themselves as they may be in a similar position the actor has put themselves in and attempt to apply the same moves. Sounds ridiculous? I'll prove it. It's like you've watched a film, and somebody has quoted the film perfectly, whether they know it or not, if they do it just gives more evidence to this point. There is a punch line or answer that you will automatically copy because it sounded cool in that movie and it is the perfect reply to their statement. Psychologically you want to be as cool as the character depicted on screen. Now we're getting into Freudian territory. It happens, and young men will copy what they have seen in pornos because it worked for the lucky guy they saw boning the hot blonde girl.

Of course it's role reversal, the girl could see or read something that helps them satisfy their libido, like having kinky bondage sex with a billionaire to keep your job and hide the admittance that a "normal" boyfriend is not what you really desire and you crave the excitement he gives in your life.

I've got to stop doing this, on to the last reason...

3. Fifty Shades of Grey was written
I'm sorry. I can't help myself. It's just awful. Thanks to porn having a narrative and popularity of the genre, it has managed to spawn this grotesque excuse for a book and scarred my and the worlds population's pupils for life. Keep porn short and sweet, so there is no risk of creating this monstrosity again. 

Thank you.

Monday, July 2, 2012

3 talentless people that have formed successful careers...

Seth Macfarlane pretty much summed up youth employment.
Earning money in this economic climate is hard enough let alone trying to become rich and famous, with teenagers attending colleges and universities to attempt to make something better of their lives rather than settling for a cheque tax payers hand to them whilst being on job seeker's allowance. Even the part time jobs such as 'bus boys' companies couldn't fill thirty years ago are now highly competitive and are considered as gold to people struggling to find employment. However, it has come to my attention lately that people can just about be famous for anything nowadays, just as long as you have the right marketing and attitude to your target audience anything can be achieved. Frankly, this agitates me. Therefore I give you four talentless people that have formed successful careers in different fields of the media, to just show you how easy a rich and powerful status can be reached with all most no effort at all. If you can think of any more, leave a comment! :)

1. Jason Acuña
We as a species believe that when pain is inflicted on another person and not ourselves, it is the most hilarious thing we have witnessed. They could be doing anything, from  being kicked in the face by a horny camel, to walking into a shop window (Justin Bieber), whatever it is, it's human nature to chuckle at other people's misfortune. Due to the public's need of seeing horrific injuries, some people have come to the conclusion that the only way of making a living is to act upon this reaction; none more so than Jason Acuña. Jason, aka "Wee Man" from the Jackass series, has a made a career simply by self-harming with his friends in the name of comedy and entertainment, pulling in millions of viewers to watch the banter unfold as they set up situations that either plans to embarrass, injur or condemn themselves or one of their friends. That explanation of Jackass was for the people who have been living under a rock for the past ten years. Welcome to the light.

His pain threshold must be staggering through the precarious obstacles he sets himself, however apart from this, it takes no skill what so ever. Anybody could make this show, it's just many of us lack the motivation and television crew to film it. Therefore is the success to his rise to stardom just merely stupidity? And Johnny Knoxville co-hosting? No. Jason has one more trick up his very small sleeve. He's, err, small. This adds an extra hilarity to the stunts he performs, as not only are the stunts unusual, he himself is quite unique in his stature giving the ridiculous nature of the obstacles another edge for audiences.
Disability + Stupidity = Fame. It's math, and you can't argue with math...

"When the pimps in the crib maa, drop it like it's a zero when trying to find
 the last X non-zero digits of N. Gangster shit.
2. Meg White
There is one question that springs to mind when somebody mentions Meg White to me and that question is...How? There are numerous talented musicians out there unemployed and crying over their guitar strings because they want to play in front of crowds, yet somehow Meg, a person with the rhythm of a stale ham sandwich managed to perform for thousands live. There is only one explanation for this, she must have been banging a successful musician...OH SNAP. 

Her way to stardom was to leech of Jack White's talent by being his sister/wife/partner/experiment. She is essentially a gold digger, much like every footballer's wife, a mere parasite feeding of the talent of another individual.Thank goodness Jack managed to break free and fly solo once more.


3. Every Royal In Modern Society
It's true. The world today is run by politics, money and people who are educated to make decisions that will better economies and help us to live better lives. We even vote for them through ballots to come into power and tell us how we can help and sustain the way of life we know. Yet still sitting in the comfort on the branch of the tree are members of royal families. 

"Peasants, can't even afford Armani, I ain't trifilin' with no Primark shit."
They are astoundingly wealthy, are able to afford literal palaces and are commemorated whenever they have a birthday or significant date simply because they are a part of a specific bloodline. Yet, they do absoloutely nothing accept go to fancy events and dress in so much bling 50 Cent would go blind. They just sit there, dodging taxes and ordering butlers around to grab things for them. Now I know it is apart of historic culture in some countries, however let's face it, Kings and Queens have lost most power in today's climate. There might have been a time where they had the last say of chopping of somebody's head or shotgunned the last eccles cake from the pantry, but not anymore. They are at mercy of the government and the people's opinion, making them frankly, obselete. Queen Elizabeth II is nothing really more than a pensioner now, however I can't see her hobbling home with bags from Tesco and complaining about the price of heating anytime soon...