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Monday, August 20, 2012

3 "healthy foods" you probably think are good for you...

The general public this day and age are obsessed with health and well-being, as the up keep of your body will ensure you of a long life and a fit physical state when you hit retirement. This statement is true, as living on nothing but crisps and McDonalds isn't exactly going to expand your lifespan, only your waist and risk of heart disease. Production companies have recognized our need to feed on the food with less saturated fats, therefore have sprung a bombardment of adverts on television of beautiful women chowing down on what ever crap they can muster from their factories. However some of the foods you'd think would help either lose weight or stay in shape just well, don't. Doing some research on calorieking (source right there) I now bring you 3 "healthy foods" you probably think are good for you and you may be surprised. Or maybe not, if you're like me and study the back of packaging for hours on end...

1. Cereal Bars

It's a simple idea, cereals are healthy so why not convert them into a tasty nutritional snack you can have on the go!? No milk, no mess and you still get the amazing taste of a breakfast any time of the day, where ever you may be. I should work for these advertising companies. However as amazing as that idea sounds, the reality is that you might as well eat a chocolate bar. A cereal bar has an average of 160 calories per bar, whilst a bar of Dairy Milk only has 200. That. Is. Fact. 
Smile your way to obesity.
 So put down that Nutri-Grain and tuck into a chocaltey sugary treat and don't feel bad about yourself. Just think, all of them actresses on the commercials, they're now rolling down the high street as they've kept eating them constantly thanks to the company giving them a life time supply. Oh well, at least that girl got paid, mhhhm. That's about as ghetto as I can get. 

2. Yoghurt Drinks

Frankly anything that can be eaten with spoon should be not condensed and stuck into a bottle for a drink. It feels wrong in my opinion. But apparently they help the digestive system flow or whatever according to the adverts. 

Using a diagram on every advert to make you feel like a simpleton that doesn't know how to take a shit, when in truth all the products do is offer a cheap alternative to an actual decent breakfast. Pouring yoghurt is another example, putting this gloopy liquid all over your corn flakes insults the cereal and your taste buds, stick to milk, it's the right way to go...

3. Super Noodles

Pasta can't be fattening can it? It's just wheat!? Everyone knows bread makes you pile on the pounds but Batchelors have managed to make a pasta product that. University students everywhere live off these easy to make snacks and I'm a hypocrite, since I'm one of them. Chicken flavour is the best. You gotta have the chicken flavour. 

 I couldn't tell you how they do it, but they process the noodles in such away that half a pack is 27% of your daily calorie intake. The flavouring powder adds a few percentages to that number, as they make the noodles addictive and finger lickin' good. KFC won't sue. I'm sure.  

"See you in court motherlicker"

Saturday, August 4, 2012

4 awful actors that still manage to get work...

How does it keep happening? They spring up in films with masterful direction and alongside others with sheer individual talent. Think of them as the STD of the movie business, they'll be casted for roles way out of their depths and keep coming back on to a screen near you. Watching The Dark Knight Rises this week has formed a certain clarity in my head between what makes a good and a disgraceful excuse of an actor, as compared to the following list of these 4 awful actors/actresses that manage to get work, they stand out like a Jamaican in a 100m sprint (stick in an Olympic reference, for the sport enthusiasts)...
I will now play, 'Lesbian Seagal'.

1. Steven Seagal
Martial arts is a dying genre, especially in the Western world as we are now used to seeing more intense, gritty action sequences that involve CGI, explosions and gore. Glorious cinema. However this old timer refuses to let go of the past, promoting his ponytail to straight-to-DVD distributors with clever camera work to ensure that he does minimal stunts or movement, for that matter. For someone who's supposed to be an all out action hero, he is rather tame. Seagal's martial art skills are lacking, he has a hard time enunciating English and his surname sounds like Seagull, which frankly, is hilarious. The most pain Seagal is going to cause the baddie is by nicking his ice cream on the seafront.

However reaching cult status in lousy B movies is quite an achievement for someone his age and level of talent. But for goodness sake Steve, give it up whilst you're ahead. Go into another profession such as hairdresser, a butcher or perhaps sensei AS THAT IS YOUR FIELD OF EXPERTISE. Leave the acting to the pros...

Worst offence : Flight Of Fury (2007)

2. Kristen Stewart
The solemn face of Kristen haunts screens everywhere. Her pale, non-expressive body continues to plague awkward teenagers with an actress that lowers their IQ every time she is seen playing a role that requires some emotive skill. Just to think this generation is looking up to her as a role model, creating a young army of boring personalities throughout the world.

I can't type anymore about her, it's boring me to Bitch about this, err, bitch? Yeah.

Worst offence: Cheating on the pale, ginger one from Twilight...

 3. Mark Wahlberg
I call him the ham sandwich. More precisely, the stale ham sandwich as every role he plays could be easily be replaced by a ham sandwich. Let me explain; on the outside we find bread, the damp spongy exterior that's enough to fulfill the hunger of looks you need, but still rather bland.Then we have the lettuce, the crisp vibrant colour that is hugely disappointing in taste, as it's all water and no substance. Finally, we come to the ham. The cold filling, thin and pink with a salty aftertaste that stays in your mouth for ages after eating the meal. All in all, it's satisfactory at best. Did I actually just describe a sandwich? Straight jacket please...

Oh hi Mark! Whoops, mistaken again...
 He is always either annoyed, dazed or confused about EVERYTHING. The only emotion he can produce, and it's still embarrassing when performed on camera. But he's middle aged, can speak fluently and looks like an 'average guy', so he's cheap narrative fodder for a casting agent to pick up for a bland role.

Worst Offence: Max Payne (2008)

4. Tobey Maguire
Every face he pulls he looks constipated. Plus that weird dancing scene he does in Spiderman 3 creeps me the fuck out...*shiver*

Worst offence: Spiderman 3 (2007)