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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

3 calendar dates that drive the public insane

Merry Leap Year everybody! It feels strange looking at a calendar and seeing a number on a month that isn't supposed to be there, but I guess thats what February's all about, Leap Years and pancakes. Delicious, delicious pancakes. But back to today's Topic, holidays are the days of the year that people rejoice their love for each other and share this bountiful day of freedom in celebration of something. However, there are some days that mean nothing, they're just there either from tradition, or to annoy and gently pillage the public into giving. There may be reasons behind these days, but celebrations in the modern world have changed nowadays, and evolved in to a pain in society's backside. The following is a simple list of three calendar dates that drive people insane, perhaps this'll shed some light on how crazy these days are...

1. Halloween
"As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door". Edgar Allen Poe saw it coming. Kids await Halloween night like it's the coming of the Messiah, the whole idea of slapping on ridiculous clothes and make-up, only to then go up to adults to attempt to terrify the shit out of them in exchange for candy is a child's fantasy. I know, I was a child once. But once all grown up, we tend to find the concept rather daunting, as it now unsuprisingly scares the shit out of us. But it's not the children who tend to do the scaring, on their part they are just an irritation begging for sugary treats, think of the little tykes as midget  homeless people on their way to fancy dress gatherings. You pity them and hand them candy. Or rather have to, as the fright comes from their intimidating older brother/sister standing next to them, making sure they are protected from any candy stealing hoodlums. The obvious expression of them not wanting to be there and the anger that the sibling is getting something (even though they'll probably steal it from them anyway) and they aren't, can only result in one thing. Rage.
Never give them an apple.

After midnight and the small ones are in bed, they'll head out in packs to the houses that either rejected their family candy or which ever owner gave them a dirty look to egg your house and trash your front lawn. Now THIS is terrifying. All that effort trying to scare us with zombie face painting is nothing compared to the threat of a bike coming through your window. Halloween's main fear factor is now from teenagers, not ghouls and goblins. Unlike the Twilight saga, who's teenagers seem to glimmer rather than tear people's throats out. (SEE AN EARLIER POST).

2. Easter
Chocolate is awfully tasty and as many of you know, it melts in your mouth and is an aphrodisiac. It's THAT good. But everytime Easter comes around, chocolate suddenly becomes a necessity and gateway to a diabetic problem. We consume more cocoa eggs and bunnies over the Easter period than three years worth of chocolate compared to the average intake we would usually have. That isn't fact. I made it up, but I'm sure if I could be bothered to research it would have a similar jist.

We all become greedy on Easter (Pancake Day for the pancakes, St Patrick's day for the drink etc etc) and find it nessecary to eat tons of chocolate, even though that day isn't any more special than any other day according to our bodies. Jesus may have something to say about that, but our sugar and fat intake doesn't measure things by how long ago a guy may or may not have arisen from the dead. It lives in the present and as an organism, and presently, your fattening yourself up with Easter treats and piling on the pounds so for the next couple of weeks you'll be waddling instead of walking. In addition, Lindt make a fortune out of you...
"I'm gonna mess with your insides"
3. Valentine's Day
I love you. Them three words mean something, well should mean something when people say them and not just blotted about randomly when ever felt like it. It toys with feelings and prevokes emotion, so when said, it should also be shown. Three hundred and sixty five days a year. Not one. Are you catching my drift?
Your girlfriend's special to us, too.

Valentine's day is a commercial way getting couples and desperate single people to part with cash in hoping to either obtain some kind of affection from another human being and nothing more. Nothing changes on this day, your relationship is still in the same place it has always been and, unless it's a landmark date in your personal entwined lives, it's not really significant personally. It's just an excuse to go out for a meal, pay double the price as any other week day and to buy cheap crap from Clinton Cards that he/she's only going to throw out eventually anyway. Seeing couples go mad on Valentine's day makes me want to tear my eyes out and feel sympathy...for his wallet.

Monday, February 27, 2012

4 items of clothing no man should ever wear in public...

There is no time for emotion...
Men. It seems that as a species our clothing knowledge is rather depeleted  compared to women, who manage to somehow pull off and look beautiful in anything. Or nothing at all. But we can't seem to get a grip of the fashion world, whether it's because we simply don't care about clothes or that we try to dress badly on purpose to annoy wives and girlfriends, either way, we suck at being fashionable. Even male models can't wear clothes without looking like mannequins who just came out of a prostate exam. But some men go to the extreme and make most men look bad across the world, therefore, I give you the four clothing items no man should ever wear in public, and for god sake guys, read and learn...ALSO I have done this question thing at the bottom, I've tagged some people, but if I haven't, leave your answers in the comment box too! :)

1. Tank Tops
I don't care how hot it is, or how big your rippling guns may be, you look like a dick if you wear a tank top. Promoting half a shirt is only saying you belong on a basketball court  or you can't afford sleeves, and neither is particulary impressive unless you're actually playing basketball. T shirts aren't exactly that expensive with massive chains such as CostCo and Primark around, I'm sure people could afford a t-shirt that doesn't expose the top of a chest and collar bone, a simple crew neck would suffice. The worst kind of tank tops are ones that stick tight to the skin of men, showing every bulge and every pound of fat that caressess their body. Even the nipples come out to say hello to disgusted passers by, and they're only looking at them because of the twat-like nature screaming from the vest that's blatantly too small. Wear tank tops to bed, or burn them...
Psychographics: This guy has watched too many 50 Pence and M&M videos that he automatically thinks tank tops are acceptable, or he actually thinks he's from the hood. He's most likely athletic in the art of sports or in a band. Rock band members always seem to wear XL tank tops with some sort of graphic design on them...

Another photo, ruined.
 2. Ugg Boots
Basically a glorified slipper, Ugg boots have recently sprung up across the world in their millions, and at £170 a go, they aren't exactly the cheapest of footwear neither. A slipper from Australia doesn't really make much sense since it's baking hot nearly every month of the year out there. But that isn't what this post is about, no way. It's about men. Men in Ugg boots. I've seen it, and I nearly vomitted everywhere. They're in the girl's section of a shop for a reason, brace yourself...they're meant for girls, 'cause girls like that fluffy, comfy kind of clothing and footwear, as it reminds them of teddies and girly stuff. But if you're a guy, you should be into football, and err, sharp things...playing to a stereotypes isn't proving my point here. If you know a guy who wears a pair of Ugg boots, make him eat sand until he throws them in the river, or if you're a girl, make him give them to you. He'll understand.
Psychographics: I don't really want to say they'll most probably be gay, because that's an assumption, but there's a good chance they might be. A very good chance. Either that or he's a straight guy who probably ironically loves fashion and celebrity magazines, and girls, if you find this guy you are the luckiest woman on this planet...
"I hope they burn your legs"
3. Leather trousers
Sweating is the most natural of occurrences when either hot, embarassed or nervous, and in leather pants, you'll be experencing all three of these feeling simultaneously. Scrotums everywhere must fear the dreaded legs-shaped dead cow, simply because of the sweaty heat that is about to be bestowed on them, and through them sweating like a lamb in a slaughterhouse comes the second problem, they'll stick. 'Til the end of time. People wear these things once and then cut them off with scissors hem by hem. The moisture makes them expand, then when they cool, it'll retract back to a smaller size moulding into the shape of your legs and hips. Just to think, the most expensive trousers you've ever bought will now be a part of you forever like that hideous parasite out of Spiderman 3. Just don't sit on any leather sofas, or it'll sound like the most massive fart everytime you move, and that's just nasty...
Psychographics: Stereotypically classed as 'Indie', these people listen to soft prog rock, lay about all day then go to concerts at night. Giving labels to certain groups of people is wrong, but the best way to describe them. If you don't know what Indie means, see this:

Explanations are not my thing.
4. Bodywarmers
It's cold, but you have no sleeves...WELL DONE.
Psychographics: Cold. As Fuck.




1. Favourite song? 

2. Dance move of the century?

3. The best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

4. The yummiest cereal?

5. If you could make up one line in a song, what would it be?

6. How hungry are you right now?

7. Interesting fact about yourself?

8. Is the head of your bed facing away or toward your door?

9. If you could be animal, which animal would it be?

10. Favourite internet meme?

11. Probability of you actually fowarding this quiz thing? Out of 10, 1 being lowest. 

Please repost the rules of this tagging game:

· Post 11 random things about yourself.

· Answer the tagged questions.

· Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

5 of the most pointless pets to own..

Owning a pet is basically telling people you are lonely in your own species and need to connect with some other form of companion to achieve social satisfaction. That's why I have a cat. However there are some animals that aren't as cute or playful as an adorable kitty, yet some people  insist on buying animals that become ornaments rather than something to enjoy or interact with. Therefore, this blog post is for you people out there who buy the most pointless pets to own, hopefully it will make you think differently about your useless companion...

1. Fish
It stares at you in the murky depth of his bowl. It can see into your soul, ever gliding through the water searching for it's next meal. And that's all it'll ever do. Fish are fundamentally the most boring creatures on this planet, they don't show any affection, any emotion or make any noise. They are simply decoration. Expensive decoration too, filters and tanks can cost hundreds of pounds, as well as the decoration in the tank. So that's a decoration, in a decoration. I'll stop typing decoration now. All to keep this floating, scaly bore happy, even though happiness is an emotion way too complex for his undeveloped brain.
It'd look better with chips.
The only thing I can think of comparing a fish to is a Tamagotchi, the pocket video game that had a pixelated animal on the screen that you had to feed and clean or it'd die. The description is uncanny.  Both give absoloutely no affection to their owner and are simply there to perish. Infact, that's the only time you feel anything for these things, when they die, only even that's pointless, as when they were living they didn't give you anything in the first place so there's technically nothing for you to cry over. You'd just have laid out a ridiculous amount of money to feel sad and unsatisfied. No wonder you win these things at funfairs.
2. Hamsters
They are exceptionally adorable, however hamsters are more trouble when they're worth. Firstly, there's the smell. Dogs may smell occasionally, but at least they can jump in the bath for a quick soak before people come round for tea and scones (stereotypically British beverage right there). The hamster's woft of mess and sawdust will linger in your house always, as the cage is in your house. You could put it outside, but then comes the second reason that a hamster is pointless; it'll catch something, and eventually die. 
"Please tell me you've washed your hands"

Most probably about a week after buying it. They don't last, you won't even grow an attachment to it before it becomes nothing but a perfect candidate to be part of a fur scarf. They catch illness quickly and don't have a strong enough immune system to deal with the bacteria or disease, so it just essentially gives up. Either that or you'll be the one to kill it, as they are small and fragile and it's only a matter of time before it gets sucked up the vacuum nozzle or crushed by it's wheel in the cage. But before they do this selfish act of death, they'll annoy you one last time. They breed like, rabbits? Of course this is impossible if it's alone, but most hamster owner's won't buy one hamster, they'll get one for both of the children, or feel sorry for the solitary loner and buy a companion for it (the irony). Next thing they'll be on top of each other rampantly fucking and hamster babies will be everywhere. You could sell them, but then the cycle starts all over again round somebody else's house.
3. Spiders
These are disgusting. I'm sorry, but those who own a spider out there, just release it in the garden right now. Make a thing of it, release it in the fashion of a prison escape and film it like the ending of The Shawshank Redemption and post it on YouTube. Likes and comments from real people are worth more than these things, even if it's hate and trolling. Feeding them live insects is just one of the most cruel but also revolting things the owner has to do, another is actually looking at the thing without feeling terrified it's going to get out and crawl under your duvet at night. I don't even want to write about these anymore, typing the word spider is making me feel all tingly and wrong. Eeeewwwww, so many shudders.
4. Any bird species
Birds have wings for a reason, to fly. If you own a caged bird, depriving it of it's natural life pattern of emigrating will drive the bird mentally ill. Why do you think they stare in mirrors and think it's company? They're already insane and it's your fault. It's antics during the day are nothing more than to eat trill, talk to itself and chirp so loud that a blanket has to be put over it's face to quiet down.

Sure they look pretty and colourful, and you can tease cats if you like that kind of thing, but this animal will do nothing but keep you up all night long with it's excessive noise and turn your kitchen into a trill factory.The bags bought from the pet store are huge, seriously, you will never run out, no bird is that hungry and obese. 


What is the point of you?

Sunday, February 19, 2012

4 of the most annoying things to wait for, ever.

Waiting. The most boring of human verbs. Even more boring than moving, and that's pretty standard, to, y'know, live. However as strenuous for the legs and mind as it can be, waiting is a massive part of our lives and we have to tolerate it, because everything in life doesn't fit to our schedule. Therefore, the following is a list of the most tedious things to wait for. Ever... Comment if you can think of a worse one!
1. Loading screens
Technology has advanced the world into a new a form of waiting: the waiting for the programs to load. Unlike humans, programs cannot be urged on or poked until they move and stop being lazy as they are random segments of code, which makes this one all the more irritating as your dependance on machines plays evidently in the fruition of you wanting to be entertained. Whether it's a DVD, video game or a buffering YouTube video, these hypothetical egg timers make you want to throw your monitor out of the window as it stops you from achieveing satisfaction from the program and all of it's glorious binary contents. Face it, if you want entertainment, it'll be at your machine's accord, not yours.

I bet this is what The Terminator sees when masturbating.

How to deal with it: Buy newer, faster technology that will help speed up the loading process. Or avoid it all together and play Scrabble.
Annoyance rating: 4/10

2. Doctor's appointments
You're ill and out of your reluctance you've had to rely on a qualified person in medicine to give you a good once over to find any anomolies that may admit you to an early death. Now you're terrified. You're impending doomsday information could only be seconds away. Or minutes. Or hours. Most probably hours. To make matters worse as well as being a sick puppy, doctors insist on keeping people in that waiting room with other sick people for the longest time possible, hoping that by merging each others sicknessess you'll create a cure for cancer and find the meaning of life. There may be a back log of patients, but booking a specific time, means I want to be seen on the time, that I booked. If you went to a restaraunt, booked a table and had to wait two hours before you got your prawn cocktail starter, you'd be pissed and feel cheated. At least if you have to wait in restaraunts they have today's paper and not POP magazine dated from five years ago to keep me occupied. Ooh, Britney Spears is pregnant...
How to deal with it: Find out the lunch time of the doctors and book your appointment straight after they have lunch, then you'll be first on the list for the second half of their day. Smart, eh? ;)
Annoyance rating: 7/10
3. Food
As I said before, if you "had to wait two hours before you got your prawn cocktail starter, you'd be pissed and feel cheated". Spoken like a true prodigy. Food is a terribly annoying aspect of this blog post, as it is one of the most self satisfying of all of the topics that I've complained about, therefore also the most painful to wait for. Everything from slow waiters (the irony in that job title is astounding) to hour-long cooking times boils my blood to a state of it being cooked itself. Mmm, tasty blood soup.

"I'll have what he's having"
One of the main reasons waiting for meals sucks so hard is that it's unavoidable, food has to be cooked or you'll simply get ill and die. Well, not always, but charring it to an edible state will keep away the bacteria nasties such as salmonella and E-Coli. And let's face it, nobody wants one of them jittering around in their bloodstream or stomach. Well, I don't anyway, but there's a fetish for everything nowadays...
How to deal with it: Not alot you can do really, just suck it up and wait. Or you could go to McDonalds and get a fast cooked McFat burger with some McFries and McApple Pie, if you find the road to a slow obesity problem appealing.
Annoyance rating: 8/10
4. Buses
Buses. The bane of my life, and I'm sure I'm not alone on this one. At some point in our lives, we have been without the luxury of an automobile or fast-moving train (stuff that actually gets you to your destination on time) and have had to take the bus. This grand hunk of machinery moseys along stop by stop picking up people either without other means of transport or who are unable/too lazy to walk absoloutely anywhere. This explanation probably wasn't needed, however I feel the concept of a bus needed to be laid out as clear as possible, as they simply do not stick to their criteria. It doesn't count as a plausible service when you have been waiting at a bus stop for the last half an hour and the bus rolls up twenty minutes late, looking casual and not hurried. The bus driver has made no effort to keep schedule. The wheels look fine, no sign of an accident or wrong turn. The engine runs smoothly, well, as smooth as it can do. And still, you have made me and every person here wait for no reason at all except the bus driver's laziness...WHY BE SE SO SELFISH!? It's blistering cold outside and everybody just needs to get in the warmth and pay ridiculous fares, just so you can chauffer our arses around slowly, and still you turn up late. I'm sorry for the angry nature of this one, but wow, buses suck vast amounts of penis...
How to deal with it: Pray. Pray it comes before you die of frostbite.
Annoyance rating: 10/10

I feel you bro.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

4 movie character duos that should have been made into TV sitcoms...

Character development is one of the most important aspects in a fictional medium, getting audiences to relate and learn about the people's lives featured is the way a connection is made by the actors on screen and the viewers. Apart from people who watch Twilight, who just seem to gawk in a zombiefied state, rather than interact (see an earlier post).
"I swear, one more cat litter bag and I'm gonna snap"
 Through this subconscious bond comes character pairings that stand out in a film's narrative that grab the attention of the audience, by either making them laugh or give aspiration that they themselves could find someone to share the relationship the characters have on screen. And through this, comes a missed opportunity by television networks, to prey on the characters shown and expand them into small screen activists that the viewers can watch every week on their tiny screens. Or massive screens, depending whether they work in retail or not. Therefore I give you the four movie character duos that should have been made into TV sitcoms, respectively...
1.  Dr Sheila and Allen Gamble (The Other Guys)
A mismatch made in heaven between a pimp and a nurse as they met due to Allen getting an allergic reaction rash to poison ivy on his ass. This shit writes itself. The early years between these two would have clawed in the ratings in as the prequel to The Other Guys showing the day to day life of this average, plain couple.
It would attract every psyche of televison critic, from the straight minded male who believe a woman's place is in the kitchen and casual domestic abuse due to Allen's distinct traditional views on being a husband; whilst on the other hand middle class white women would sympathise with Eva Mendes' character, or even relate to it as she struggles to please her husband in every which way. Comedy, drama and romance would ensue, not to mention the amazing secondary characters such as the seemingly perverse message-delivering grandmother. 

This sitcom would have everything. But did a network pick it up? LIKE HELL THEY DID.  Maybe developing and promoting an abusive relationship on television may have gained them alot of protesters, but they'd gain alot of followers too. C'mon Fox, this seems like the kind of show you would broadcast...
Glorious television...
 2. WALL-E and the cockroach (WALL-E) 
It seems strange how two seemingly sub-human characters can feel so...human. But then again I guess that's what Disney does best, apart from making us weep like fair maidens. The chemistry between these two is outstanding, with an almost father-son relationship being promoted as the audiences watch WALL-E  push him about like he's an insect or something. Oh... Plus the added on going theme of "cockroaches could survive a nuclear explosion" could run throughout the series, even promoting some super-powered capabilities, shifting the power balance between them both. I should be a writer.
It is frustrating that Disney and Pixar would make small animated shorts about lamps and spunk their bank account on Hannah Montana's new up and coming series than concentrate on small but exceptionally fun traites such as these. The Disney channel is just dying for a new lease of life since the High School Musical class have now finally hit puberty, so why not invest in something that everyone can enjoy, rather than, err, no one?
3.  Filtch and Mrs Norris (Harry Potter Series)
Why is the cat married anyway? Surely it would be Miss Norris, wouldn't it, Filtchy? You dirty bastard. Beastiality aside, the lovable couple who play a minor role in the first half of the series, then seem to vanish of the face of the earth, would drag in audiences by the millions with their comedy sketches and everyday endeavours. I'm guessing their purpose would be to catch that pesky Potter and his minions whenever they were up to no good, giving an array of plot lines to be executed upon. He was terribly frightening in the first two films, giving off a creepy "I'm gonna getcha" vibe, soiling the pants of young folk everywhere, and putting the scary back into children's films as it had it's break from the nineties.

Nineties villains resembled Robert De Niro in some way, 9/10.
 But the biggest hook of these two? It has a cat in it, and people simply, adore, cats. No philisophy or psychology involved, cats are just mega cute, and even though Norris had red eyes, people would see past her blatent contacts to tune in and watch her as she tries to catch the pupils. Think of it as Scooby-Doo, without the stoner...
4. Vincent and Jules (Pulp Fiction)
Now this would be something. An interracial criminal duo who work for a drug kingpin and take care of, "business". Plus you get Samuel L. Jackson's many, many quotes to work with. It's a guaranteed winner, with a ready made audience in the millions of people who have watched and re-watched Pulp Ficiton over and over again just because in the original film they made such a good pairing. Clumsily blowing Marvin's face off and arguing who should pick up skull is just a prime example of the situations these two could be put in. For example, mopping a blood stained floor, or meeting Jules' mum together (que the black woman stereotype). It all fits together like a pretty jigsaw puzzle and would round it off nicely, like this blog post does.... 

Hold on to your butts...

 Oh I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

3 of the worst types of room mate nobody wants to live with...

I'm currently at university and live alone for the time being, however next year, I am inclined to share the facilities with...other humans. Just think: the same lavatory, the same kitchen appliances, the same soap. Really hoping not the same soap. I don't know how we'll divide the bills or choose the rooms, but I do know this, the people moving in with me aren't any of the following that are about to bestow your eyes, as the list commencing, are the three different types of people you DO NOT want as a room mate. If they were one of the following, I'd rather live under a bridge like a hideous troll...
"I've never seen Vapour rub used like that before..."
1. The Horny One
Quiet is valued by everyone with a need to have some time recite their thoughts or concentrate on an important task, such as work, recreational activities, or masturbation. John Lennon famously quoted "All we are saying is give peace a chance", and he's right, it does help the mind, especially when that peace is quiet. Unfortuantely, some people are less inclined to give quiet peace a chance, as hormones seem to over rule this type of room mate's mind, with an insatiable appetite for constant pounding, but that's not the worst problem that rears it's ugly head out of this sticky situation (sorry about the euphemism). People generally amplify their noise levels when doing something they enjoy, it's natural, we can't help it and sex is rather enjoyable to say the least. Moaning and groaning coming from the room next door is going to not only penetrate the wall, but also your ear drums (again, I'm really really sorry). This fiendish slut may bring several partners home, each having their own distinctive bellow that you'll have to deal with, creating a symphony of sexual swear words and distinguished grunts that will eventually drive you to insanity. It's all you'll be able to think about, you'll get no sleep and worst of all, you'll have to sacrifice your quiet time with music to drown out the sounds of pleasure. Or dismay, depending how sexually adequate the Horny One is, and with that much practice, he/she must be getting better everyday. 

How to deal with it: Put up with it with some blearing music or simply tell the Horny One straight to shut the fuck up, don't let them ruin your quiet (same goes for Music Blearers, who are not included in this post because the other two, are worse...). Then again, I suppose if you're masturbating it could help you...

Annoyance rating: 7/10

2. The Wannabe Cook
Cooking can be a chore, being that it's time consuming and effort to prepare healthy, nutritional meals that are going to sustain your belly rumbles. The chopping, the dicing, the oiling, the WAITING, ugh, so much hard work devoured in seconds by your ability to eat meals in minutes. But for this species of room mate, it's a necessity for them to cook michelin star meals that taste superb and take hours to bake. Recipe books are stacked on their shelves to get new ideas of how to piss you off when all you want is a sandwich. Take this following dish, taken from the BBC's recipe web page:

"Herbed salmon on a bed of lentils, honey-roasted sea trout on a potato galette with smoked salmon scotch eggs, smoked salmon and micro herb salad".

WARNING: If you know what a galette is without Googling, you may be a Wannabe Cook. This is the kind of recipe that will attract this room mate into cooking for hours upon hours on end, complete with stinking fresh fish lingering in the air and the amount of space taken up by the preperation equipment and empty food wrappers scattered across the kitchen worktop. You won't be eating for hours. But this isn't the most annoying trend the Wannabe Cook possesses. Can you tell what it is yet? Yep. That's right. They're wannabe's. They can't actually cook, they just like to make a glorious mess and create something emphatic to show off to the rest of the household, even if it tastes vile. Burning things and cutting their own fingers left and right, they make a simple task seem impossible, such as cracking an egg. Their ambition of becoming a master class in the kitchen is nothing more than a faded dream, and someone should tell 'em straight.

How to deal with it: Eat earlier or buy a microwave/slow cooker for your room, eliminate they're annoyance all together. And buy some air freshener for the smell.

Annoyance rating: 6/10

This is your destiny.

3. The Buzz Kill
Living with others can only be fun if the characters surrounding you are easy going and have a singular personality that everyone can have an opinion on. Whether they'll make you laugh, be able to converse in an entertaining manner or even just quietly tolerate each other, these people make your household an enjoyable place to be. But over the horizon comes possibly the most annoying room mate of all: The Buzz Kill. The Buzz Kill will involve themselves with you and your other housemates wrecking every conversation and just frankly boring the crap out of you. Embedding themselves within your activities, The Buzz Kill usually sucks the enjoyment out of any social activity you will part take in, substantially ruining the experience of living with others and crippling you into wanting to be alone in a small house forever. They are basically fun blockers. Anything from their idiotic, not mildly amusing comments to the natural cadence of their voice will drive you to wanting to them punch them in the nose, however you will be restrained as, after all, he/she pays a share of the bills. A fair warning: Never live, with a Buzz Kill.

How to deal with it: Dig yourself an early grave and take many cyanide pills, there is no escape from this demon.

Annoyance rating: 10/10

A more dignified end.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

4 Different types of stauses on Facebook....

"I can use the BookFace too"
Online networking has become the norm for the average man, woman and child nowadays, some infants starting from as young as the age of five, messaging friends about what Elmo got up to this week. It has no doubt grown our society into 'meeting' new people and helped sparked relationships between lonely souls destined to be with each other through pixelated skype calls, however, staring at the News Feed in Facebook, I have noticed how annoying people can be when updating their status to try and grab the attention of friends. This, lads and laddettes, is the four different general types of statuses, you'll find on Facebook...

1. The Punchline
Skimming through every status when you have hundreds of friends wanting your comments and hypothetical likes is rather daunting and tedious when you're trying to keep everyone happy by letting them know you care a little about their lives, so long winded chunks of status are  exhausting to read. So Facebookers have come up with an ingenius way of making you laugh, cry or feel any kind emotion by posting short, snappy statements to attract your beady eyes. Think of them as clinical "Punchlines" to make you giggle in the shortest time possible, before you scroll down and forget them forever.

Psychographics : This species of status normally comes from somebody who's mind-numbingly bored, who just wants to make the world laugh and be rewarded by numbers going up on his like counter. He/She's probably just sitting there, waiting for something exciting to happen, staring out the window, watching television, amongst other cliched activities that sound remotely depressing. This person's quick banterful wit, or copy and pasting skills off other websites, is second to none, although the only chance he/she gets to use them is on facebook, and not in the real world, as that is all they know and face-to-face conversation has become obselete. How sad.
Example: "mornings are like marmite, you either hate them, or you're a freak."

"I don't care what they say, I love you"

2. The Informer
Our brain craves knowledge, we simply LOVE knowledge, wanting to learn new things is in our blood and we can't deny it. Wikipedia is our brain's heaven on Earth, when it's not feeding you bullshit. But on the other hand, absorbing the useful knowledge and time-wasting pointless knowledge is a tricky contrast for our brain to distinguish, because it's frankly a knowledge slut that will suck up every gram of information it can get it's slimy brain stems on. And unfortunately, Facebook is full of this useless knowledge. People tend to think that posting stauses telling the world what they're doing, even if the activity is the most the plain and tedious everyday chore, will sustain your crave for information. It doesn't. Nobody actually cares about what they are doing at that very moment, even if they pretend with a patronising like or obligatory comment. They are feeding our brains cheap fodder that we happily digest and it's slowly, but surely, wasting our time on this planet. 

Psychographics: This person must have no imagination or think in the most simple, straight manner possible. If they were to write a tale of fiction, it would be 2 paragraphs long and have the literacy and grammar age of a primary school child. In addition, addiction to social networking  must have riddled their mind to think people would actually care about how they get along with their everyday lives. It pains me to write the truth, but it must be written...
Example: "just washed the car."
A shit, I could not give.

3. The Philosophical Depressant
Rants and bitching are always fun to read, especially about Topics ;), however bitching over a certain person that you don't know can be extremely straining to keep concentration, as not  being able to picture his ugly face may bore you. Infact, it will bore you. Worst still, if the person isn't given a clear description or not mentioned at all, we struggle to comprehend the suffering the statusee seems to be going through. These riddles are easy to solve if you interact with a depressant on a daily basis and know his/her life inside out, but for the rest of the world, we're kept in the dark. This enigma is truly annoying, and almost gut wrenching to read as the person spills their feelings through short prose and starts to become a philosopher to help themselves get through this tough time. Do what ever you need too, 'cause I'm not sympathising with shit. Yeah sure, everybody has problems, but talk to a friend, not your whole Facebook friends list, half of which have forgotten who you are anyway...
Psychographics: This person is certainly in a bad way and is dying for some attention, from anybody, almost crying out for love. My cyber hugs are reserved for people I care about thank you.
Example: "Y r u alwayz lyk dis to me, all i do is luv u and u still h8 me! Y!? :'( oh well there r plentee mor fish in the c <3<3<3<3"

4. The Gamer
A simple, but annoying one....
Psychographic: Bored,loves flashing colours and wants to achieve in life...

....fuck they're annoying.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

5 things that are wrong with Twilight...

Oh look it's been snowing...ANYWAY I'll be blogging nearly every couple days either when I'm not drunk or having rampant sex to bitch about crap to improve my writing skills. And hopefully you'll read them. Enjoy.
At the beginning of December, Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1 was released in the UK and fed the hungry eyes of teenage girls in every cinema, allowing constant salivating over protagonists and aggressive moaning acceptable in a theatre as the film ends on a cliff-hanger.  However as popular as the franchise is, it is clearly blatant to me that some things are just plain wrong with these films morally, leading me to put together five things that are wrong with Twilight, to show people the truth behind these emphatic views of life.
"I get you".
1.    Dreamy men are everywhere. 
The two main male lead characters in the series are played by Robert Pattinson (Edward) and Taylor Lautner (Jacob), both fine looking blokes with different personalities to satisfy every woman’s needs in the audience. Therefore, people have become inclined to pick sides between the two, disputing a rivalry between infatuate fans of each character; an army of followers, if anything. There is the sensitive, pale, insecure psyche of Edward, to the buff chiselled looks of Jacob, to suit everyone.  However, blinded by their hormones and unrealistic casting, girls everywhere in the UK will get a terrible shock when they realise the reality of how men can look and act. Aspiration can be cruel as when these 16 year old girls mingle with boys of their own age, they’ll find the pickings are most likely going to be slim. Replacing the rippled pex is a nice hairy set of man-boobs (moobs, abbreviated), or instead of sensitivity a loud, obnoxious attitude to taking you home for a quick shag. Either way, these two characters are for the most part are nothing more than figments of aspiration and a simple case of wanting something that just plainly isn’t there in the real world. Girls, prepare for disappointment.

2.    Trustworthy faces
The dream of running away with a prince is the most famous and cliché of all fairy-tale endings for girls, escaping every part of your own existence as a man whisks you away to live in a big castle with maids answering to your every call. Promoting abduction probably isn’t Twilight’s intentional purpose, however in fronts it prominently right from the very start. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is convinced that the man she has never met before, only gawking at within school hallways is the man to spend the rest of her life with. Unfortunately, there are some exceptionally horrible people out there who will abduct, rape and even kill by luring young sensitive girls like Bella out of their comfort zone. Of course every girl wants to find their ‘Prince Charming’, although doing it in this dangerous fashion probably isn’t the way to go and meet the life partner. Instead, build a healthy relationship with your partner for a couple of years, exchange banter on dates, buy a house together, get married, and don’t run away from your parents. That’s as far as my Agony Aunt skills can stretch too. Need more convincing? Watch the mini-cab rape commercials on television, they’ll terrify anyone.
Hostel has nothing on this shit.

3.    We understand teenagers!
You’re a teenager, finding your way in life, bumbling about uncertain and scared to try anything just in case the consequences come back to embarrass you in front of your friends, or perhaps scar you emotionally. Sound familiar? Twilight tries to duplicate the feelings of teenagers in the modern world, this awkward restraint of wanting to do something (most likely sex nowadays) but being too shy or insecure to pursue. Teenagers connect with Edward and Bella as the writers have portrayed both of them as awkward indecisive characters with a sensitive approach to life choices. And sex. For example Bella doesn’t lose her virginity until this fourth instalment, even though she’s been practically gagging for Edward to tear into her throughout the films. This idea of waiting and wondering is prominent in everyone’s mind as a teenager as our curiosity is doused by a constant feeling of frustration and worry of the actions that may play out after the event. On the other hand, today’s youth seem to have over confidence with intoxication and pregnancy evidently prominent in the UK, so it’s amazing Twilight has any fans at all.
"Fuck you, Cullen".
4. Vampires aren't scary anymore.
They just aren't. Since their switch from appearences in terrifying horror movies to hormonal teen drama, vampires have lost their fear factor. The idea of the blood-thirsty fanged monster has now been replaced with a glimmering torso and an actual conscience when coming to kill their victims. What made them so scary was that their charm and ultimate ruthlessness meant you wouldn't be able to resist but get bitten against these  super-strong empty shells of, basically, a human. They had the disguise, the brutality and the wit to hunt us, and post-millenium, we knew it and were petrified. However now if someone mentions a vampire we don't shake in our boots with  fear, we laugh at how ridiculousy bad the acting is in Twilight. Horror classics such as Dracula and Nosfaratu will always be the originals, but are now considered a laughing-stock on Halloween. Choose to dress up as the zombie if you're looking to scare.
5. It's everywhere...
This franchise has completely saturised the media, from every corner of the magazine pages to the internet's sticky web, Twilight seems to be in every burrow and under every rock. Ironically, it is now in this blog post. It's struck again. We seem to hear about it's popularity wherever we venture; how well it's  doing at the cinema, saucy plotlines of the books, how the fans feel. AH yes, the fans. Giggling teenage girls who scream the word 'Cullen' is mentioned and it seems it's all they want to talk about during conversation. I asked a group of girls in a cafeteria, "So who's your favourite character from twilight?" Why did I indulge? They all turned and smiled and all answered at the same time. There were phrases spewed in the talking frenzy such as "I love him" and "I wish I was Bella". It seems that fans have Twilight on the brain non-stop. Although I did ask about the topic, perhaps they won't bring up the films if I keep quiet. Let us pray.