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Saturday, August 4, 2012

4 awful actors that still manage to get work...

How does it keep happening? They spring up in films with masterful direction and alongside others with sheer individual talent. Think of them as the STD of the movie business, they'll be casted for roles way out of their depths and keep coming back on to a screen near you. Watching The Dark Knight Rises this week has formed a certain clarity in my head between what makes a good and a disgraceful excuse of an actor, as compared to the following list of these 4 awful actors/actresses that manage to get work, they stand out like a Jamaican in a 100m sprint (stick in an Olympic reference, for the sport enthusiasts)...
I will now play, 'Lesbian Seagal'.

1. Steven Seagal
Martial arts is a dying genre, especially in the Western world as we are now used to seeing more intense, gritty action sequences that involve CGI, explosions and gore. Glorious cinema. However this old timer refuses to let go of the past, promoting his ponytail to straight-to-DVD distributors with clever camera work to ensure that he does minimal stunts or movement, for that matter. For someone who's supposed to be an all out action hero, he is rather tame. Seagal's martial art skills are lacking, he has a hard time enunciating English and his surname sounds like Seagull, which frankly, is hilarious. The most pain Seagal is going to cause the baddie is by nicking his ice cream on the seafront.

However reaching cult status in lousy B movies is quite an achievement for someone his age and level of talent. But for goodness sake Steve, give it up whilst you're ahead. Go into another profession such as hairdresser, a butcher or perhaps sensei AS THAT IS YOUR FIELD OF EXPERTISE. Leave the acting to the pros...

Worst offence : Flight Of Fury (2007)

2. Kristen Stewart
The solemn face of Kristen haunts screens everywhere. Her pale, non-expressive body continues to plague awkward teenagers with an actress that lowers their IQ every time she is seen playing a role that requires some emotive skill. Just to think this generation is looking up to her as a role model, creating a young army of boring personalities throughout the world.

I can't type anymore about her, it's boring me to Bitch about this, err, bitch? Yeah.

Worst offence: Cheating on the pale, ginger one from Twilight...

 3. Mark Wahlberg
I call him the ham sandwich. More precisely, the stale ham sandwich as every role he plays could be easily be replaced by a ham sandwich. Let me explain; on the outside we find bread, the damp spongy exterior that's enough to fulfill the hunger of looks you need, but still rather bland.Then we have the lettuce, the crisp vibrant colour that is hugely disappointing in taste, as it's all water and no substance. Finally, we come to the ham. The cold filling, thin and pink with a salty aftertaste that stays in your mouth for ages after eating the meal. All in all, it's satisfactory at best. Did I actually just describe a sandwich? Straight jacket please...

Oh hi Mark! Whoops, mistaken again...
 He is always either annoyed, dazed or confused about EVERYTHING. The only emotion he can produce, and it's still embarrassing when performed on camera. But he's middle aged, can speak fluently and looks like an 'average guy', so he's cheap narrative fodder for a casting agent to pick up for a bland role.

Worst Offence: Max Payne (2008)

4. Tobey Maguire
Every face he pulls he looks constipated. Plus that weird dancing scene he does in Spiderman 3 creeps me the fuck out...*shiver*

Worst offence: Spiderman 3 (2007)


  1. This is HILARIOUS!
    But I like toby maguire :(
    He is a bit pants though.

  2. Haha I agree. Toby's the worst Spiderman ever to appear on screen. He's too gay-looking to act like a tough guy. You should also put ROb Pattinson alongside his fugly cheating GF. They both suck, so did their film.

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  4. Kristen Stewart annoys me so much it's unbelievable! x

  5. Toby Ma-FUCKING-Guire.
    That dance gave me scars. Lifetime scars.