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Sunday, February 5, 2012

5 things that are wrong with Twilight...

Oh look it's been snowing...ANYWAY I'll be blogging nearly every couple days either when I'm not drunk or having rampant sex to bitch about crap to improve my writing skills. And hopefully you'll read them. Enjoy.
At the beginning of December, Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1 was released in the UK and fed the hungry eyes of teenage girls in every cinema, allowing constant salivating over protagonists and aggressive moaning acceptable in a theatre as the film ends on a cliff-hanger.  However as popular as the franchise is, it is clearly blatant to me that some things are just plain wrong with these films morally, leading me to put together five things that are wrong with Twilight, to show people the truth behind these emphatic views of life.
"I get you".
1.    Dreamy men are everywhere. 
The two main male lead characters in the series are played by Robert Pattinson (Edward) and Taylor Lautner (Jacob), both fine looking blokes with different personalities to satisfy every woman’s needs in the audience. Therefore, people have become inclined to pick sides between the two, disputing a rivalry between infatuate fans of each character; an army of followers, if anything. There is the sensitive, pale, insecure psyche of Edward, to the buff chiselled looks of Jacob, to suit everyone.  However, blinded by their hormones and unrealistic casting, girls everywhere in the UK will get a terrible shock when they realise the reality of how men can look and act. Aspiration can be cruel as when these 16 year old girls mingle with boys of their own age, they’ll find the pickings are most likely going to be slim. Replacing the rippled pex is a nice hairy set of man-boobs (moobs, abbreviated), or instead of sensitivity a loud, obnoxious attitude to taking you home for a quick shag. Either way, these two characters are for the most part are nothing more than figments of aspiration and a simple case of wanting something that just plainly isn’t there in the real world. Girls, prepare for disappointment.

2.    Trustworthy faces
The dream of running away with a prince is the most famous and cliché of all fairy-tale endings for girls, escaping every part of your own existence as a man whisks you away to live in a big castle with maids answering to your every call. Promoting abduction probably isn’t Twilight’s intentional purpose, however in fronts it prominently right from the very start. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is convinced that the man she has never met before, only gawking at within school hallways is the man to spend the rest of her life with. Unfortunately, there are some exceptionally horrible people out there who will abduct, rape and even kill by luring young sensitive girls like Bella out of their comfort zone. Of course every girl wants to find their ‘Prince Charming’, although doing it in this dangerous fashion probably isn’t the way to go and meet the life partner. Instead, build a healthy relationship with your partner for a couple of years, exchange banter on dates, buy a house together, get married, and don’t run away from your parents. That’s as far as my Agony Aunt skills can stretch too. Need more convincing? Watch the mini-cab rape commercials on television, they’ll terrify anyone.
Hostel has nothing on this shit.

3.    We understand teenagers!
You’re a teenager, finding your way in life, bumbling about uncertain and scared to try anything just in case the consequences come back to embarrass you in front of your friends, or perhaps scar you emotionally. Sound familiar? Twilight tries to duplicate the feelings of teenagers in the modern world, this awkward restraint of wanting to do something (most likely sex nowadays) but being too shy or insecure to pursue. Teenagers connect with Edward and Bella as the writers have portrayed both of them as awkward indecisive characters with a sensitive approach to life choices. And sex. For example Bella doesn’t lose her virginity until this fourth instalment, even though she’s been practically gagging for Edward to tear into her throughout the films. This idea of waiting and wondering is prominent in everyone’s mind as a teenager as our curiosity is doused by a constant feeling of frustration and worry of the actions that may play out after the event. On the other hand, today’s youth seem to have over confidence with intoxication and pregnancy evidently prominent in the UK, so it’s amazing Twilight has any fans at all.
"Fuck you, Cullen".
4. Vampires aren't scary anymore.
They just aren't. Since their switch from appearences in terrifying horror movies to hormonal teen drama, vampires have lost their fear factor. The idea of the blood-thirsty fanged monster has now been replaced with a glimmering torso and an actual conscience when coming to kill their victims. What made them so scary was that their charm and ultimate ruthlessness meant you wouldn't be able to resist but get bitten against these  super-strong empty shells of, basically, a human. They had the disguise, the brutality and the wit to hunt us, and post-millenium, we knew it and were petrified. However now if someone mentions a vampire we don't shake in our boots with  fear, we laugh at how ridiculousy bad the acting is in Twilight. Horror classics such as Dracula and Nosfaratu will always be the originals, but are now considered a laughing-stock on Halloween. Choose to dress up as the zombie if you're looking to scare.
5. It's everywhere...
This franchise has completely saturised the media, from every corner of the magazine pages to the internet's sticky web, Twilight seems to be in every burrow and under every rock. Ironically, it is now in this blog post. It's struck again. We seem to hear about it's popularity wherever we venture; how well it's  doing at the cinema, saucy plotlines of the books, how the fans feel. AH yes, the fans. Giggling teenage girls who scream the word 'Cullen' is mentioned and it seems it's all they want to talk about during conversation. I asked a group of girls in a cafeteria, "So who's your favourite character from twilight?" Why did I indulge? They all turned and smiled and all answered at the same time. There were phrases spewed in the talking frenzy such as "I love him" and "I wish I was Bella". It seems that fans have Twilight on the brain non-stop. Although I did ask about the topic, perhaps they won't bring up the films if I keep quiet. Let us pray.


  1. Replies
    1. Thankk youuuu! Hope you enjoy reading it! :D

  2. Urgh, when people find out I write horror and urban fantasy, one of the first questions I get is how I feel about Twilight. Or they'll say, "Oh, you mean like 'Twilight'?" And I have to say no, not at all. Nothing sparkles in my stories.

    Enjoyed this post!

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z

    1. Wow that must be annoying :/ Don't people know the beauty of real dark stories that intrigue and scare us nowadays? Everything has to have a romantic twist, or a hidden meaning embedded in the ginger quiffs and shimmering complexions of this world.

      If you post on Movellas or something I'd love to read your stuff! I'm studying Creative Writing at university myself :D

  3. Oh, man... you totally MISSED the problem with having a heroine with the personality of damp bread. The series drives me nuts on so many levels, so I always like dishing a little Twilight hate.

    1. Haha! She does have the acting talent of a stale ham sandwich, then again, the rest of the cast doesn't exactly save the series from her terrible performance, they could all do with an acting lesson or two. Or five. Or a swift death.

      Either way, hatin' on Twilight is the way to go :P

  4. True, dracula and nosferatu are who I consider to be true vampires!