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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

4 Different types of stauses on Facebook....

"I can use the BookFace too"
Online networking has become the norm for the average man, woman and child nowadays, some infants starting from as young as the age of five, messaging friends about what Elmo got up to this week. It has no doubt grown our society into 'meeting' new people and helped sparked relationships between lonely souls destined to be with each other through pixelated skype calls, however, staring at the News Feed in Facebook, I have noticed how annoying people can be when updating their status to try and grab the attention of friends. This, lads and laddettes, is the four different general types of statuses, you'll find on Facebook...

1. The Punchline
Skimming through every status when you have hundreds of friends wanting your comments and hypothetical likes is rather daunting and tedious when you're trying to keep everyone happy by letting them know you care a little about their lives, so long winded chunks of status are  exhausting to read. So Facebookers have come up with an ingenius way of making you laugh, cry or feel any kind emotion by posting short, snappy statements to attract your beady eyes. Think of them as clinical "Punchlines" to make you giggle in the shortest time possible, before you scroll down and forget them forever.

Psychographics : This species of status normally comes from somebody who's mind-numbingly bored, who just wants to make the world laugh and be rewarded by numbers going up on his like counter. He/She's probably just sitting there, waiting for something exciting to happen, staring out the window, watching television, amongst other cliched activities that sound remotely depressing. This person's quick banterful wit, or copy and pasting skills off other websites, is second to none, although the only chance he/she gets to use them is on facebook, and not in the real world, as that is all they know and face-to-face conversation has become obselete. How sad.
Example: "mornings are like marmite, you either hate them, or you're a freak."

"I don't care what they say, I love you"

2. The Informer
Our brain craves knowledge, we simply LOVE knowledge, wanting to learn new things is in our blood and we can't deny it. Wikipedia is our brain's heaven on Earth, when it's not feeding you bullshit. But on the other hand, absorbing the useful knowledge and time-wasting pointless knowledge is a tricky contrast for our brain to distinguish, because it's frankly a knowledge slut that will suck up every gram of information it can get it's slimy brain stems on. And unfortunately, Facebook is full of this useless knowledge. People tend to think that posting stauses telling the world what they're doing, even if the activity is the most the plain and tedious everyday chore, will sustain your crave for information. It doesn't. Nobody actually cares about what they are doing at that very moment, even if they pretend with a patronising like or obligatory comment. They are feeding our brains cheap fodder that we happily digest and it's slowly, but surely, wasting our time on this planet. 

Psychographics: This person must have no imagination or think in the most simple, straight manner possible. If they were to write a tale of fiction, it would be 2 paragraphs long and have the literacy and grammar age of a primary school child. In addition, addiction to social networking  must have riddled their mind to think people would actually care about how they get along with their everyday lives. It pains me to write the truth, but it must be written...
Example: "just washed the car."
A shit, I could not give.

3. The Philosophical Depressant
Rants and bitching are always fun to read, especially about Topics ;), however bitching over a certain person that you don't know can be extremely straining to keep concentration, as not  being able to picture his ugly face may bore you. Infact, it will bore you. Worst still, if the person isn't given a clear description or not mentioned at all, we struggle to comprehend the suffering the statusee seems to be going through. These riddles are easy to solve if you interact with a depressant on a daily basis and know his/her life inside out, but for the rest of the world, we're kept in the dark. This enigma is truly annoying, and almost gut wrenching to read as the person spills their feelings through short prose and starts to become a philosopher to help themselves get through this tough time. Do what ever you need too, 'cause I'm not sympathising with shit. Yeah sure, everybody has problems, but talk to a friend, not your whole Facebook friends list, half of which have forgotten who you are anyway...
Psychographics: This person is certainly in a bad way and is dying for some attention, from anybody, almost crying out for love. My cyber hugs are reserved for people I care about thank you.
Example: "Y r u alwayz lyk dis to me, all i do is luv u and u still h8 me! Y!? :'( oh well there r plentee mor fish in the c <3<3<3<3"

4. The Gamer
A simple, but annoying one....
Psychographic: Bored,loves flashing colours and wants to achieve in life...

....fuck they're annoying.


  1. The philosophical depressant type are the worst! And I know someone who made an account for her I guess even dogs have Facebook now!

  2. I hate Facebook lol wish my friends and family would just pick up a phone and call, But noooo they have to write on my wall. lol