5 things you must do to survive a zombie apocalypse...

I'm not in the new series, ssshhhhhh...

With the Olympics being just around the corner, I thought I'd stay clear of that subject and write about something much more interesting and imaginative: zombies. With the release of the new season 3 Walking Dead trailer, I thought this Topic would be appropriate. Zombies aren't exactly the most terrifying of creatures, as they are essentially us without the capacity to show emotion or feeling, that slowly limp and groan in melancholy everywhere. Just think of them as an army of pensioners with severe Alzheimer's disease. Yet if mostly EVERYONE was a pensioner, the mass horde of them would make them a little bit harder to defeat and survival would become challenging. No electricity, Internet, communication or economy would cancel out the way of life we know now and take us back to the stone ages of every man for himself. However in order to survive, as I have seen in countless movies and media, there are 5 things you must do to survive a zombie apocalypse as failure to do so will either be the result of you becoming the undead, being shredded apart or going insane....

1. Arm yourself

Now I must warn you some of these things are going to be blatantly obvious, but crucial nonetheless as without weapons you're like a turkey on thanksgiving. That's right, I'm whipping out the cliche similes. But when I say arm yourself it might surprise that you guns are a big NO during the horde's rain of terror. A gun is only useful for a certain period of time, as eventually you'll run out of bullets and since I live in London, ammunition isn't available at every street corner. Besides if you are living in America, gun shops are going to be the first place people will gather and selfishly turn anything that walks toward their shop into dust. Nothing electrical either or stuff that needs to be charged, as with all city's power grids down you'll have to skulk around for a generator that is powered by wind turbines or something, and if it's not windy, you're fucked.

The best weapon to obtain is a light, solid, close combat weapon. Something you can easily swing and bash the old timer's head into a pulp with if they get too close to your feeble body. A baseball bat or a large piece of wood would be perfect candidates, give that gruesome ghoul a vicious splinter also whilst hitting them. There is a down-side to this though; if you get cornered by a massive swarm of them, swinging your wood about isn't going to get you out of that situation, which leads me onto the next rule....

Mr Roth knows.

2. Find sanction

...whatever you do, leave yourself an easy escape. It's all very well stumbling upon a impenetrable underground bunker, however you have to leave the possibility that the pensioners will overrun your hide out and tear you apart.

Solution? LEAVE AN EASY ESCAPE. Did I just mention this? Oh yes, right. Find yourself a cosy little habitat where the horde won't find you, but just in case they do you can dart out of the window or something and make your escape. Preferably somewhere high, 'cause why would they ever look up? But at the same time, not so high that if you plunge out of the attic you won't fall to a death that involves the word "splat" in a Beano comic. Another positive for having a big space, is that you can invite other survivors to stay with you in this time of need as being alone will surely drive you to insanity, however...

=')

3. Make friends with boring people

...just make sure they have a docile personality. Trust me, making friends with hyper, "idea people" will only cause mayhem. They will do anything to exceed power and take control of your new found establishment, whether it's convincing other people's opinions on their side to force you out or make an elaborate escape plan to a survival colony 500 miles away. Either way, it will end up with you dying in one way or another.

Make sure your companions will follow orders and drone to your fashion of living and you will obtain the conversation you crave and survive to tell this tale to a battery powered video camera documenting your life. However, don't become too attached, falling in love or formulating a bromance with strangers will only send you into a slumping depression when they're eventually eaten or leave due to an inexplicable reasons. Stay only friends and...

Oh Bear...

4. Have no morals

...forget your moral code. Release your savage survival instinct and become a wily Bear Grylls. Obviously I'm not talking about drinking your own piss when times are at there bleakest, I'm talking about not taking shit from anyone or anything. 

 If a pensioner comes up to you, and you know them, do not hesitate by thinking, "Nooo, noooo, (err, names, shit, err) Albert! Not you Albert! You're my best friend, I cant shoot you". Grow a pair. Albert will rip your face in the time you way out the pros and cons of killing your best friend. Frankly, anything you knew of Albert is long gone, as all that is on his mind right now nibbling on your juicy face. Speaking of nibbling,...

5. Keep a backpack of food and water

...fucking eat everything. You have to keep your strength up, otherwise you'll be too weak to; grab your baseball bat, hermit a new home, argue with your fellow survivalists, bash your best friend's face to a bloody pulp or basically live.

Simples. (all rights reserved to Aleksandr Orlov)

3 reasons why porn cannot have a narrative...

It's that guy from The Hangover

How did this book suddenly pop up over night? It seems every single person with a pair of X chromosomes has devised an opinion on Fifty Shades of Grey, and it's fair to say the opinion is mixed. I have skimmed it via an e-book, I have not read it completely, although I did acquire the basic gist that the book entails: it's soft porn. A novel can indulge the reader into depicting the author's mindset and life experiences and through this, the audience can see she is sexually frustrated with a hint of mental instability. No? Only me? She did write fan fiction after all. For Twilight of all things, and you can tell from the bulk of waffle and improbable dialogue Anastasia uses. "Oh how you beguile me!", *sells millions of copies*.  However this Topic is not about Fifty Shades of Grey, it's about porn. Pornography. Sex with actors. Although it is nationally thought to be the best friend of a man's right hand, a recent survey also suggests 6 in 10 women in Britain stream porn on the Internet. In addition with erotic fiction and the world wide phenomenon of E.L James' novel that is scared to use the word vagina, it is truly mainstream. However, I have a bone to pick with it. Not literally, though.  Porn shouldn't have a narrative, whether it's on paper or screen, and here are 3 reasons why...

1. Hilarity
The notion of a narrative allows you to immerse into a plot and understand a character's feelings whilst going a long their journey, no matter how short the time frame may be.  Sex should be used as a tool within a certain type of romance or real life genre to depict a bond between two people or a deception someone has committed. It should be an add on to a much bigger and longer plot. Giving porn a narrative however, ends up in hilarious consequences. How can it be taken seriously? You know the ending is going to be him blowing his load somewhere or other, therefore what's the point of giving the characters personalities?


 Let them get on with it! They even make shows with clever titles such as "Gash in the Attic" and "The XXX Factor" to let the viewer know what they're getting. Shouldn't they already know this!? IT'S PORN. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a television guide for porn channels, and maybe in years to come they'll even have a pull out with The Sun telling you what's on seeing it's one of the biggest industries on the planet. Back to the reason why Fifty Shades is doing so well. Women love this porn with narrative bile, because it speaks to them on a moral and acceptable level. It's side-splitting to see them whip out a copy on the train and start tucking in to it's physical descriptions. I've veered off Topic, I better get to the next point...

A fitting place to indulge in porn...

2. Copycats

 Young adult men will do anything for sex, as will some women in this day and age, the desperation of getting some is driving Western culture wild as it's safe to say we have become addicted. Scenarios in porn spark ideas for men to get laid as they themselves as they may be in a similar position the actor has put themselves in and attempt to apply the same moves. Sounds ridiculous? I'll prove it. It's like you've watched a film, and somebody has quoted the film perfectly, whether they know it or not, if they do it just gives more evidence to this point. There is a punch line or answer that you will automatically copy because it sounded cool in that movie and it is the perfect reply to their statement. Psychologically you want to be as cool as the character depicted on screen. Now we're getting into Freudian territory. It happens, and young men will copy what they have seen in pornos because it worked for the lucky guy they saw boning the hot blonde girl.


Of course it's role reversal, the girl could see or read something that helps them satisfy their libido, like having kinky bondage sex with a billionaire to keep your job and hide the admittance that a "normal" boyfriend is not what you really desire and you crave the excitement he gives in your life.


I've got to stop doing this, on to the last reason...


3. Fifty Shades of Grey was written
I'm sorry. I can't help myself. It's just awful. Thanks to porn having a narrative and popularity of the genre, it has managed to spawn this grotesque excuse for a book and scarred my and the worlds population's pupils for life. Keep porn short and sweet, so there is no risk of creating this monstrosity again. 

Thank you.

3 talentless people that have formed successful careers...

Seth Macfarlane pretty much summed up youth employment.

Earning money in this economic climate is hard enough let alone trying to become rich and famous, with teenagers attending colleges and universities to attempt to make something better of their lives rather than settling for a cheque tax payers hand to them whilst being on job seeker's allowance. Even the part time jobs such as 'bus boys' companies couldn't fill thirty years ago are now highly competitive and are considered as gold to people struggling to find employment. However, it has come to my attention lately that people can just about be famous for anything nowadays, just as long as you have the right marketing and attitude to your target audience anything can be achieved. Frankly, this agitates me. Therefore I give you four talentless people that have formed successful careers in different fields of the media, to just show you how easy a rich and powerful status can be reached with all most no effort at all. If you can think of any more, leave a comment! :)

1. Jason Acuña
We as a species believe that when pain is inflicted on another person and not ourselves, it is the most hilarious thing we have witnessed. They could be doing anything, from  being kicked in the face by a horny camel, to walking into a shop window (Justin Bieber), whatever it is, it's human nature to chuckle at other people's misfortune. Due to the public's need of seeing horrific injuries, some people have come to the conclusion that the only way of making a living is to act upon this reaction; none more so than Jason Acuña. Jason, aka "Wee Man" from the Jackass series, has a made a career simply by self-harming with his friends in the name of comedy and entertainment, pulling in millions of viewers to watch the banter unfold as they set up situations that either plans to embarrass, injur or condemn themselves or one of their friends. That explanation of Jackass was for the people who have been living under a rock for the past ten years. Welcome to the light.

His pain threshold must be staggering through the precarious obstacles he sets himself, however apart from this, it takes no skill what so ever. Anybody could make this show, it's just many of us lack the motivation and television crew to film it. Therefore is the success to his rise to stardom just merely stupidity? And Johnny Knoxville co-hosting? No. Jason has one more trick up his very small sleeve. He's, err, small. This adds an extra hilarity to the stunts he performs, as not only are the stunts unusual, he himself is quite unique in his stature giving the ridiculous nature of the obstacles another edge for audiences.
Disability + Stupidity = Fame. It's math, and you can't argue with math...

"When the pimps in the crib maa, drop it like it's a zero when trying to find

 the last X non-zero digits of N. Gangster shit.

2. Meg White

There is one question that springs to mind when somebody mentions Meg White to me and that question is...How? There are numerous talented musicians out there unemployed and crying over their guitar strings because they want to play in front of crowds, yet somehow Meg, a person with the rhythm of a stale ham sandwich managed to perform for thousands live. There is only one explanation for this, she must have been banging a successful musician...OH SNAP. 

Her way to stardom was to leech of Jack White's talent by being his sister/wife/partner/experiment. She is essentially a gold digger, much like every footballer's wife, a mere parasite feeding of the talent of another individual.Thank goodness Jack managed to break free and fly solo once more.

 P.S. THE BLUNDERBUSS ALBUM IS AMAZING.

3. Every Royal In Modern Society
It's true. The world today is run by politics, money and people who are educated to make decisions that will better economies and help us to live better lives. We even vote for them through ballots to come into power and tell us how we can help and sustain the way of life we know. Yet still sitting in the comfort on the branch of the tree are members of royal families. 

"Peasants, can't even afford Armani, I ain't trifilin' with no Primark shit."

They are astoundingly wealthy, are able to afford literal palaces and are commemorated whenever they have a birthday or significant date simply because they are a part of a specific bloodline. Yet, they do absoloutely nothing accept go to fancy events and dress in so much bling 50 Cent would go blind. They just sit there, dodging taxes and ordering butlers around to grab things for them. Now I know it is apart of historic culture in some countries, however let's face it, Kings and Queens have lost most power in today's climate. There might have been a time where they had the last say of chopping of somebody's head or shotgunned the last eccles cake from the pantry, but not anymore. They are at mercy of the government and the people's opinion, making them frankly, obselete. Queen Elizabeth II is nothing really more than a pensioner now, however I can't see her hobbling home with bags from Tesco and complaining about the price of heating anytime soon...