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Monday, July 16, 2012

5 things you must do to survive a zombie apocalypse...

I'm not in the new series, ssshhhhhh...
With the Olympics being just around the corner, I thought I'd stay clear of that subject and write about something much more interesting and imaginative: zombies. With the release of the new season 3 Walking Dead trailer, I thought this Topic would be appropriate. Zombies aren't exactly the most terrifying of creatures, as they are essentially us without the capacity to show emotion or feeling, that slowly limp and groan in melancholy everywhere. Just think of them as an army of pensioners with severe Alzheimer's disease. Yet if mostly EVERYONE was a pensioner, the mass horde of them would make them a little bit harder to defeat and survival would become challenging. No electricity, Internet, communication or economy would cancel out the way of life we know now and take us back to the stone ages of every man for himself. However in order to survive, as I have seen in countless movies and media, there are 5 things you must do to survive a zombie apocalypse as failure to do so will either be the result of you becoming the undead, being shredded apart or going insane....

1. Arm yourself
Now I must warn you some of these things are going to be blatantly obvious, but crucial nonetheless as without weapons you're like a turkey on thanksgiving. That's right, I'm whipping out the cliche similes. But when I say arm yourself it might surprise that you guns are a big NO during the horde's rain of terror. A gun is only useful for a certain period of time, as eventually you'll run out of bullets and since I live in London, ammunition isn't available at every street corner. Besides if you are living in America, gun shops are going to be the first place people will gather and selfishly turn anything that walks toward their shop into dust. Nothing electrical either or stuff that needs to be charged, as with all city's power grids down you'll have to skulk around for a generator that is powered by wind turbines or something, and if it's not windy, you're fucked.

The best weapon to obtain is a light, solid, close combat weapon. Something you can easily swing and bash the old timer's head into a pulp with if they get too close to your feeble body. A baseball bat or a large piece of wood would be perfect candidates, give that gruesome ghoul a vicious splinter also whilst hitting them. There is a down-side to this though; if you get cornered by a massive swarm of them, swinging your wood about isn't going to get you out of that situation, which leads me onto the next rule....
Mr Roth knows.
2. Find sanction
...whatever you do, leave yourself an easy escape. It's all very well stumbling upon a impenetrable underground bunker, however you have to leave the possibility that the pensioners will overrun your hide out and tear you apart.

Solution? LEAVE AN EASY ESCAPE. Did I just mention this? Oh yes, right. Find yourself a cosy little habitat where the horde won't find you, but just in case they do you can dart out of the window or something and make your escape. Preferably somewhere high, 'cause why would they ever look up? But at the same time, not so high that if you plunge out of the attic you won't fall to a death that involves the word "splat" in a Beano comic. Another positive for having a big space, is that you can invite other survivors to stay with you in this time of need as being alone will surely drive you to insanity, however...

3. Make friends with boring people
...just make sure they have a docile personality. Trust me, making friends with hyper, "idea people" will only cause mayhem. They will do anything to exceed power and take control of your new found establishment, whether it's convincing other people's opinions on their side to force you out or make an elaborate escape plan to a survival colony 500 miles away. Either way, it will end up with you dying in one way or another.

Make sure your companions will follow orders and drone to your fashion of living and you will obtain the conversation you crave and survive to tell this tale to a battery powered video camera documenting your life. However, don't become too attached, falling in love or formulating a bromance with strangers will only send you into a slumping depression when they're eventually eaten or leave due to an inexplicable reasons. Stay only friends and...

Oh Bear...
4. Have no morals
...forget your moral code. Release your savage survival instinct and become a wily Bear Grylls. Obviously I'm not talking about drinking your own piss when times are at there bleakest, I'm talking about not taking shit from anyone or anything. 

 If a pensioner comes up to you, and you know them, do not hesitate by thinking, "Nooo, noooo, (err, names, shit, err) Albert! Not you Albert! You're my best friend, I cant shoot you". Grow a pair. Albert will rip your face in the time you way out the pros and cons of killing your best friend. Frankly, anything you knew of Albert is long gone, as all that is on his mind right now nibbling on your juicy face. Speaking of nibbling,...

5. Keep a backpack of food and water

...fucking eat everything. You have to keep your strength up, otherwise you'll be too weak to; grab your baseball bat, hermit a new home, argue with your fellow survivalists, bash your best friend's face to a bloody pulp or basically live.

Simples. (all rights reserved to Aleksandr Orlov)


  1. I'm terrified of zombies so I'd probably be first to die anyway ;) But I like your guide :D x

  2. Great blog, loved it.
    I'll follow you.
    Cheers from Argentina.