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Thursday, February 9, 2012

3 of the worst types of room mate nobody wants to live with...

I'm currently at university and live alone for the time being, however next year, I am inclined to share the facilities with...other humans. Just think: the same lavatory, the same kitchen appliances, the same soap. Really hoping not the same soap. I don't know how we'll divide the bills or choose the rooms, but I do know this, the people moving in with me aren't any of the following that are about to bestow your eyes, as the list commencing, are the three different types of people you DO NOT want as a room mate. If they were one of the following, I'd rather live under a bridge like a hideous troll...
"I've never seen Vapour rub used like that before..."
1. The Horny One
Quiet is valued by everyone with a need to have some time recite their thoughts or concentrate on an important task, such as work, recreational activities, or masturbation. John Lennon famously quoted "All we are saying is give peace a chance", and he's right, it does help the mind, especially when that peace is quiet. Unfortuantely, some people are less inclined to give quiet peace a chance, as hormones seem to over rule this type of room mate's mind, with an insatiable appetite for constant pounding, but that's not the worst problem that rears it's ugly head out of this sticky situation (sorry about the euphemism). People generally amplify their noise levels when doing something they enjoy, it's natural, we can't help it and sex is rather enjoyable to say the least. Moaning and groaning coming from the room next door is going to not only penetrate the wall, but also your ear drums (again, I'm really really sorry). This fiendish slut may bring several partners home, each having their own distinctive bellow that you'll have to deal with, creating a symphony of sexual swear words and distinguished grunts that will eventually drive you to insanity. It's all you'll be able to think about, you'll get no sleep and worst of all, you'll have to sacrifice your quiet time with music to drown out the sounds of pleasure. Or dismay, depending how sexually adequate the Horny One is, and with that much practice, he/she must be getting better everyday. 

How to deal with it: Put up with it with some blearing music or simply tell the Horny One straight to shut the fuck up, don't let them ruin your quiet (same goes for Music Blearers, who are not included in this post because the other two, are worse...). Then again, I suppose if you're masturbating it could help you...

Annoyance rating: 7/10

2. The Wannabe Cook
Cooking can be a chore, being that it's time consuming and effort to prepare healthy, nutritional meals that are going to sustain your belly rumbles. The chopping, the dicing, the oiling, the WAITING, ugh, so much hard work devoured in seconds by your ability to eat meals in minutes. But for this species of room mate, it's a necessity for them to cook michelin star meals that taste superb and take hours to bake. Recipe books are stacked on their shelves to get new ideas of how to piss you off when all you want is a sandwich. Take this following dish, taken from the BBC's recipe web page:

"Herbed salmon on a bed of lentils, honey-roasted sea trout on a potato galette with smoked salmon scotch eggs, smoked salmon and micro herb salad".

WARNING: If you know what a galette is without Googling, you may be a Wannabe Cook. This is the kind of recipe that will attract this room mate into cooking for hours upon hours on end, complete with stinking fresh fish lingering in the air and the amount of space taken up by the preperation equipment and empty food wrappers scattered across the kitchen worktop. You won't be eating for hours. But this isn't the most annoying trend the Wannabe Cook possesses. Can you tell what it is yet? Yep. That's right. They're wannabe's. They can't actually cook, they just like to make a glorious mess and create something emphatic to show off to the rest of the household, even if it tastes vile. Burning things and cutting their own fingers left and right, they make a simple task seem impossible, such as cracking an egg. Their ambition of becoming a master class in the kitchen is nothing more than a faded dream, and someone should tell 'em straight.

How to deal with it: Eat earlier or buy a microwave/slow cooker for your room, eliminate they're annoyance all together. And buy some air freshener for the smell.

Annoyance rating: 6/10

This is your destiny.

3. The Buzz Kill
Living with others can only be fun if the characters surrounding you are easy going and have a singular personality that everyone can have an opinion on. Whether they'll make you laugh, be able to converse in an entertaining manner or even just quietly tolerate each other, these people make your household an enjoyable place to be. But over the horizon comes possibly the most annoying room mate of all: The Buzz Kill. The Buzz Kill will involve themselves with you and your other housemates wrecking every conversation and just frankly boring the crap out of you. Embedding themselves within your activities, The Buzz Kill usually sucks the enjoyment out of any social activity you will part take in, substantially ruining the experience of living with others and crippling you into wanting to be alone in a small house forever. They are basically fun blockers. Anything from their idiotic, not mildly amusing comments to the natural cadence of their voice will drive you to wanting to them punch them in the nose, however you will be restrained as, after all, he/she pays a share of the bills. A fair warning: Never live, with a Buzz Kill.

How to deal with it: Dig yourself an early grave and take many cyanide pills, there is no escape from this demon.

Annoyance rating: 10/10

A more dignified end.


  1. I can live with the wannabe cook as I also love to cook myself. If she's kind enough to share what she prepared for lunch, then we'd get along very easily.

    1. Even if it tasted vile? Surely you'd prefer something quick and simple that's tasty rather than an poor attempt at cooking recipes?

      Then again I suppose if you like to cook you could join in! Have a cooking day! :D