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Sunday, November 11, 2012

3 idiotic recent casting decisions for upcoming popular movies.....

Yes. It's true. TopicBitch is back after a 3-month hiatus. I would like to say it was because I was voyaging the ocean depths and backpacking across the misty mountains of the Himalayas, but the truth is, I’ve just been remarkably lazy. Sure work and the second year of university may have played a part, but most of the time I’ve just been sitting around on my skinny arse playing SNES games and occasionally seeing the light of day. However there’s no need to fear. I’m back, with inspiration from the human race’s stupidity that fuels my Bitchiness. A fire will rise… (copyright Warner Bros and DC)

"Go on. Take the last beer. I dare you."
Casting isn’t the easiest job by any means in a film’s postproduction, even though you would think a mediocre generic actor could easily fill most roles. For example if there’s a gritty tough-guy role that needs to be filled, you pick Jason Statham, since he has more testosterone than a giant bull elephant being ridden by the target audience of Top Gear. However the choice of some casting teams is blinded by the actor’s popular profile and is assumed to be the best possible individual for the role simply because of their star status. Therefore I give you 3 idiotic recent casting decisions for upcoming popular movies, as an educated guess can be made for how their performance will fair in the film’s narrative and I warn you, it’s not pretty…

1. Benedict Cumberbatch – Khan (Star Trek II)

British people as villains is a running trend throughout Hollywood, it’s something about our well spoken English and casual mannerism about almost everything that seems to chill America to the bone. I can’t imagine a character from 90210 or this girl who has the mental capacity of a sponge à, having the same qualities. Thank goodness my faith was partly restored by the country voting Obama in the White House for a second term. Well done America. I’m proud of you. Anyway, back on Topic, Khan was a mastermind spanning through most of the classic Star Trek episodes and movies, so depicting his evil nature is never going to be an easy task, but Benedict? Seriously?

 In Sherlock he plays a fast-talking, arrogant hero that wouldn’t hurt a fly. The transformation into a slow-talking, death-reaping villain would be quite the accomplishment. Has he got the skill? I don’t see it. Besides, Khan’s old in the original, he has wrinkles on his wrinkles and more folds on his face than an origami puzzle. Unless the visual effects team does something to Benedict’s gorgeous complexion in the make-up chair, he’ll pose no more threat to Captain Kirk than a Clingon in a beauty contest. 

All in all, he isn’t fitting the bill for me, I’ve always imagined an Alan Rickman type actor to play that role if it ever cropped up again, but then again we all know he died when he tried to save Harry Potter and Nagini bit his throat…


2. Jeremy Renner - Hansel (Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters)

“Your bow Hawkeye! Kill the witch with the bow! Don‘t just stake her, your master art is in archery! God damn it!” Yeah, I’m going there.

Who is honestly going to take Jeremy Renner seriously in this dark spin-off of the children’s fairytale? He barely made it through The Bourne Legacy without the same thought protruding in the back of everyone’s minds. Even that beard couldn’t cover up his super hero status, throughout the whole film I was chanting him to get rid of his sniper rifle and unearth his bow, which he’d buried in the snow. Rhyming makes everything roll off your tongue.

Will he have same problem Tobey Maguire has with his Spiderman phase cancelling out all other roles for him to play? Probably not, it’s just a minor character persona he’ll shake off in about 6 months, unlike Tobey’s 3-long film hurdle he has to overcome. If he overcomes it, that is. It seems unlikely.

3. Mark Wahlberg (Transformers 4)

This information was literally released yesterday and is my inspiration for re-vamping TopicBitch because it proves that there is no improvement in the film world’s stupidity. 

He’s managed to land another role in a high-octane action movie and for some unknown reason has been confirmed as the only casted actor so far. I don’t why they got rid of Shloeur LeBuff…Shoe LaBoot…the original guy from the Transformer saga, he was perfect for this generation of teens, why replace him with the stale ham sandwich of all actors!? My hate is reinforced with undeniable facts; just watch any movie where he has to play a character that actually moves. Go on. I dare you. 

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